Into the wind.

I shall leave behind 2011 along with some things I shall not need.

Amongst those, a year of immature being outgrown and left behind.

A year of ignorance destroyed and displaced.

A year of blind courageousness reduced.

A year of pain withstood, pain endured, pain outlast.

All the regrets. All the tears. All the remorse.
All the torment. All the heartbreak. And all of the pain.

I shall leave behind a year full of great memories.
Memories of amazing times. Memories of great times together.
Memories of insane outings. Memories of quiet moments.
And best of all, memories of the quintessential friends that I have had the fortune to spend quality time and priceless moments with. Through rain or shine, through thick and thin, through the deadlines ever so plenty, and through the crits ever so tough.

I have learnt a lot in the past 365 days. 

Learnt to tolerate. Learnt to endure.

Learnt to sacrifice. Learnt to give.
And the knowledge gained..... don't get me started on that.... I would need the whole of 2012 to elaborate. XDD

But time ticks on. Life must continue.

It all fades into history. The past has already been written.

And I shall step into tomorrow.

With an open heart. Open arms. Open mind.

And faith.

That 2012 has lots more to bring for me that I could ever possibly imagine.

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Reflections

It has been a while. A quiet month. A long year.

2011 has been a momentous year.
A year that shall go down in my history as a year that I must not forget, for reasons that I don’t want to remember. A year that I do not want to remember, because it is a year that I cannot forget.

This year was a year of multiple revelations. Realisations. Discovery. Exploration.

A year of pain. Regret. Doubt.

And yet a year of happiness. A year of satisfaction.

This year I made many new friends. But in that process I have also made a few enemies.
I have discovered new hope. And destroyed a few dreams.

I have made a name for myself. And yet names to be myself.
I have found new family. And also the risk of losing some dear.

I have enlightened myself. And yet submitted to darkness.

It has been a year of firsts. Also a year of lasts.

A year like any other, yet totally unique in every single way.

Life has taught me many things to ponder about. But realizations have not been straightforward, so to speak. The mass of questions that I ponder can be gathered by pound:

Questions that everyone asks.

Who am I? Why am I here? Who do I serve? Who should I be? Why should I be who I want to be? What do I want to be? Why do I want what I want? What is my purpose? What is my destiny?

Am I worthy of my name? Do I deserve to be who I am today? What must I do to deserve what I get?

Questions that might not need an answer.

What happens tomorrow? What if? Why not? Why should I? Why shouldn’t I?

Questions that cannot be answered alone.

Am I supposed to be happy? Was I meant to be alone? Must I go through it all by myself? Do I need support? Who are you to me? Who am I to you?

That is the way of life. You will never find a road that tells you where to go.

Roads have junctions, and splits, and twists and turns. We must determine for ourselves whether we want to follow the road or not. Whether we should take the beaten path or the one less traversed. Whether we should follow the path of others or make one for our own. Whether the path we take is worth it or otherwise. Whether we should turn back and go the other way.

Only we can decide what is right. And only we can know if it is right.

But we can learn. Learn from mistakes. Learn from pain. Learn from suffering. Learn from regret.

Hearts has been broken. Hope has been shattered. Love has been lost. Trust has been betrayed. Wealth has been sapped. Health has been stolen. Innocence has been sold. Souls has been traded.

Tired and beaten, he does not succumb to the pain.

Lost and confused, he holds on despite the agony.

Life must go on for this lonely soul. A journey that knows no end till the end of days cometh to him.

Sometimes he wonders. If the all the effort he has been putting into his life has been all but pointless. Has his life been but meaning and purpose. Were his wishes blind; the heart deaf.

This feeble soul only keeps his dear feelings to himself. Humble.

For he wishes for another soul to love with all he can, without being asked of it.

For he wishes to be loved by all the other souls around him, without the demands from himself if any.

He wishes for a peace of mind, and a heart of innocence. A soul free of debt, and a spirit free of burden.

But these wishes he shall not reveal to any. For he does not want to burden any other being from feeling the requirement of themselves to fulfil his innermost desires. For that is not his true nature.

He shall take whatever is given to him. And he shall give whatever he can provide without an ounce of hesitation if he may.

When will he be freed from the pain that he endures, he waits patiently.

Nobody knows his fate. Nor his future.

Let’s see what the next year brings to this soul.

A pawn of time.

A puppet of fate.

A slave of destiny.

A shadow of the future.

Goodbye 2011.

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The End.

Its December.

A time for holidays. A time for rest. A time for family.
A time for the mind to clear and attain clarity midst the calm.
A time for the heart to mend the tears and thorns that time has tolled.
A time to reflect on the past. To admit previous defeats. To come to terms with the mistakes made. History.
A time to review on the present. To clarify the state of mind, body and soul in time and age. Today.
A time to look past the future. To prepare for the adventure into the unknown. The journey.

As the chapter nears to a close, care must be taken to ensure that the last pages do not destroy the carving of time that the past pages has achieved. Not to compromise the beauty of the story. Not to disrupt the flow of time, space and existence.

Has our lives been purposeful? Honest?
What can we do better? Is better the right thing to do?

This immature soul does not know. Neither does he realize. But he still lives on. Regardless of the forces of nature and society that judges him.
It's not that he does not care, but it does not matter to him.

For what his life brings him is all his own. And only he can decide what he does onto himself, for himself, towards himself, towards others, for himself.

I love you dear. For whoever you may be, somehow a compelling force made me write this bit.
I shall see you. Whether or not life lets our paths cross, is another novel.

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Remember the times.

Sometimes, even if ever so briefly,
You will experience a feeling.
It is not a feeling of pride, nor is it shame.
It cannot be described as entirely happy, but neither is it sad in any way.
Some may vaguely describe it as euphoria, but it can also be depressing in some aspects.
In can bring you happiness, but as well it may kill you.
Some may be alienated, some even despised.
We live through it, love with it, lie alongside it, rebel within it, and experience it all our lives.

Its when you feel in some degree that you somehow belong to a group of incredible people who are amazing in such incredible ways. So much so that the incredible feeling can cause some incredible effects positive or otherwise.

You realize that if in the future a group of people were to be remembered as an awe-inspiring group of individuals, that you were incoherently part of the community, part of the party, part of the society, and part of the generation.

You belong for once, in a group you could never find other.

And today was the day. I feel. Me. Us. We. Ours.

Taylor's University Lakeside Campus. Bachelor of Science, Honors in Architecture. Class of Semester One, 2011 July Intake.
127 Individuals Strong. 127 Minds worthy.

Thank you.

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If I was another person looking at myself, I would ridicule the person I am today.

Such a weak person, still clinging onto old, outdated feelings.
Still so weak and immature.
Still so ignorant. So stubborn.

Little things affect me. Even when they no longer have anything to do with me.
Other peoples lives still cause hate, pain and despair. Even though they are no longer a part of my life. Or will they ever be in the near or remote future.
Still so sentimental over things that should not be picked out. Should not matter. Should not have anything related to the self.

Its depressing being this stupid person.
Depressing to reflect onto ones actions and thoughts.
Even more depressing to write about from a third person point of view.
I think it's also depressing watching me write about it as well.

Only God knows what is this miserable soul is to do in his miserable life.

Is there any way out of this eternal cycle of repeating delusion and recurring depression? Can there be a cure for this insignificant human being that deserves no other than the suffering that he implies onto himself?

Is this soul doomed forever?

What will the next chapter of this endless novel bring? Who knows?

And why do I even care?

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Stressed

Let's see...

I have got 3 posters to finish by this friday.
A grafted spatial design to be confirmed and completed by next wednesday.
A 1:200 scale model of the church with the tallest spire in the word to be constructed by next firday.
A presentation showcase of the church by that very same friday.
An A1 presentation board of the spatial design to be ready by the end of the month.

So that means, 6 hours per poster will take up 18 hours to finish, 3 more changes to the grafted design, each taking about 3 hours per model to design and 12 hours to clearly represent in drawings, probably 60 hours to finish the scale model in balsa, which includes cutting, carving and glueing, lots of references to be searched, compiled and arranged into a showcase, which might take 12 to 24 hours tops, a lot more drawing, typing, texting, arranging, labelling, colouring, pasting, scanning and re-arranging to be ready for the presentation board to be full, which might take me a week or about 84 hours.

In short, I will be spending a total of about 207 hours in this month working.
Since November has 28 days left, that puts it at 672 hours.
Of that 672 hours, 207 hours will be allocated for work (If things go to plan), 42 hours for eating (assuming that each meal is given 30 minutes), 84 hours for classes and tutorials that have yet to end, 14 hours of commuting time (to get from point to point, purchase materials, transport work, etc..), 28 hours of break time (bathing, changing, snacking, phone, cleaning, clearing and thinking), and about 28 hours allocated for waiting for things to happen (glue to dry, paper to print, page to load, jam to pass, rain to stop, class to end).
This leaves me 169 hours for sleeping, weekending, and pure free time.
This means that I have 6 hours a day to sleep. And that If nothing wrong happens.

I'm screwed.

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Pit-Stop

It's been a while since I had this sort of time to do anything I want.

The past few weeks have been hectic.
Multiple heartbreaks, dreams shattered, projects rejected, design denied, writings failed, work unfinished and the lot.
Add in sleepless nights, late overhauls, extra hours, and school stay-ins, and you get:
ONE HELL TIRED TEEN ARCHITECTURE STUDENT.

So, just for the future reference, I am going to list out all the things that I miss at this moment. Hopefully later when I am in the ditch, I shall be grateful and thankful for what I have and enjoy:

I miss my weekends.
I miss my bed.
I miss my leisure lazy time.
I miss my regular bath times.
I miss my regular breakfast times.
I miss the morning alarm (Sleep only in the afternoon).
I miss aircond while sleeping.
I miss TV.
I miss pre-determined meals.
I miss hanging out with friends unrelated to work.
I miss reading novels.
I miss sleep.

So, tomorrow me going to Singapore! And Imma enjoy my life!
And....

LOMO-Fever!! XDD

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Self dissension.

I really hate myself.

You know, there are times when I have to admit that my ideas are worth shit. And nothing could be more shit than the project that I am undertaking at the moment...

Not only is the idea half-baked, but the design is also not well thought of. It's basically a compilation of a few far-fetched ideas and designs that are hoped to marginally work together.

Even I don't have an inch faith in my design. I just hoped that miracles may happen along the way that might provide answers.
New lesson: Never hope and expect miracles to happen.

It's depressing to know that in the start you may be totally enthusiastic about your work, but that energy never seems to last till the very end in any of my proceedings.

Maybe it's my talent of proving people wrong. If you put me down, I will try with all my heart and soul to prove to you that I can do it, and it works and I succeed most of the time.
But the opposite happens when you expect me to succeed. I fail instead. Dang.

What really surprises and annoys me though is that even in such bleak times, there are people willing to push on towards a blind target for no apparent reason. What drives them baffles me entirely.
It's totally mad when you think of it. You know that it cannot work, You know that it will not fit. But you still want to add on maddening ideas onto the failed foundation of an idea to make a more delusional compilation of ideas.

God knows what runs in their heads. 

But I shall salute you for your sheer determination. Pure Blind Determination.

Some people just don't know how to give up.

I used to have that talent. And I so wish I have it now.

But I know I suck. As a leader. As a designer. As a motivator. As a role model.
I am not meeting people's expectations. I am not meeting MY OWN expectations.

I just wonder how long I can still survive in this course.

Too bad.

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Life goes on...

 October has arrived.

It ceases to surprise me how fast time seems to fly when you are preoccupied with something in your life.
Although minutes may drag on like years and hours feel like days, week after week passes without much of a song and a tune.

As such my miserable life goes on as usual.
Probably nothing shall change in the coming month. But then again, nothing ever is the same and shall remain that way.

It's about time I created another savegame file.
Just in case, you know... if something might happen.
A blog probably doesn't suffice if I were to save my entire life experience. For that I would need a tangible entity.
Probably a person or two. I already have one I can trust my life on. The secondary one is developing nicely I must say...

Reflecting on the previous sentence, I am starting to talk about my friends like my minions or some sort... not a good thing... =P

Anyways, having people you can trust has never been more important for me.
Untrustworthy people have been a few too many in my life.
Not to say that the rest of you are untrustworthy.
It's just that I might trust you 100% to do work or important stuff, but I wouldn't hang my whole life on the tip of your fingers yet.
And so far I have only found two concrete and three semi-concrete friends that will last till the world ends.
To be in this "elite" list takes a lot. And so I really have to congratulate and thank these 5 special people for being such angels for this demonic soul.
If you do read this, and wonder if you are on the list, here are some obscure hints to identify yourselves.

Concrete number #1 has a deal with me that expires in 21 years. And for that matter, I agree fully with the deal. However, terms and conditions may apply.
Concrete number #2 has a mandatory summoning for both this year and next year, as I owe him a spot on the wall.
Semi-Concrete #1 could use a chauffeur. If only my life was as fine as yours.
Semi-Concrete #2 knows more about me than I know about him. But I trust you nonetheless, as you have proven loyal to me. Peanut.
Semi-Concrete #3 has plans to move out to a bigger place. Probably knows I might want to too.

In the next week or so, a promotion for one of the 3 might be due. Just wait and see how things develop.

On a lighter note, I still haven't found my alcohol limit. As I am still sober after 660ml of 5% alcohol.

On a darker tone, seeing you with another person still stings a few heartstrings. Seeing so many people not alone hurts more though...
Which also can mean that my condition is getting better, as you aren't the biggest pain in my heart.
But still, how much longer can I withstand the pain?

cr: happymonsters.tumblr.com

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The joys and sorrows of living alone.

Alone: Freedom. Independence. Autonomy. Limitless. Boundless. Free.

When I talk about living alone, I mean living the life of a single, unattached individual without a permanent relationship with a significant other in some way or another.
The fact is that we are never actually alone. We will always be in the presence of another individual or being no matter what time or space.
May it be our friends, family, teachers, students, colleagues, enemies, pets, pests, imaginary friends, higher beings, supernatural existences, and even God: Never once are we actually alone.

Unfortunately, not all of us are the same. Some only require the presence of family to feel whole. Some have the pleasure of having friends filling the gaps in the soul. Others have pets to comfort them. Then the rest rely on faith to reach a peace of mind.

Me on the other hand, have managed to survive on all the above for the total amount of time that I have been alive. Reliant on other entities to make the self become whole.
So far, it has worked. But there is a problem.
If I need guidance in terms of life decisions, finance, morals and other knowledge that can only be gained through hundreds of years of experience, I can turn to my family. (Of which I shall be entirely indebted forever)
If I need guidance in terms of daily decisions, minor preferences, current issues, work and daily life, I have my friends. (And I thank them for being the best they are.)
If I need something to actively and physically communicate with for a while, I can get a pet.
If I need some guidance in terms of the future, I might be able to turn to my faith.

But what happens if I have personal needs and problems. Where do I go for that?
I can't bear to burden my family and make them worry for my personal issues and state of mind.
I definitely do not want to involve friends in my personal faults and discord.
A pet won't understand.
Which only leaves God to do all the work of listening to all my whining. Which is not right.

This seems to only strengthen my need to find someone who understands me enough for me to release myself as a whole and without any cover of any sort.
Someone other than my Mum or Dad, who is willing to listen to my whining and fretting, yet does not worry so much that it makes me worry back of them.
Someone who understands that I am not perfect, yet strives to make my life complete.
Someone who I can depend on to be there when others cannot.

I know I can. No matter who it is.
No matter when.
No matter what.
I'll be there.

But can you? And where are you? How can I find you?

Or have I already found you? And you are already just underneath my nose...



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Little insecurities

Myth: Being around happy people will always make you feel happy.

DEAD WRONG.

Maybe it's because I am deeply and truly demented.
Maybe it's because I am wired differently and see a different perspective compared to the rest.
Maybe it's just because I wasn't installed with a "happy" software plug-in.

But whatever it is, I ain't happy right now. And it's because I am with some perceptually happy people.
The problem is that when I see happy people, I tend to do reflect on myself and wonder, why am I not in that happy position. Why am I not enjoying the joy that I am looking at now. It puzzles me that my lump of electrically conducive fat within the calcium shell is able to compute these types of analysis of sorts. Not a very good thing for any regular person...
It seems that this mind likes to tilt towards a slightly darker tone of depression without much coaxing. It's almost automatic. Not that it is entirely a bad thing or anything, but dark corners seem to be the destination that the nugget wants to gravitate towards.

HAihz...

It makes me feel insecure, unsteady in footing. It makes me feel incomplete, defective, inadequate. It causes me to doubt myself, trust myself less.
Not only does it damage self-imagery, but it also hurts morale.
All those negative thoughts, all those bleak ideas, all those conflicting mindsets. They do take a toll. But they are containable, thanks largely to this deposit of sedimentary depression.

I just wonder is my condition considered chronic? Whether it is even considered a disease or a disorder? Can it kill me? Will it kill me? When? How?

It's just me. Back to work.

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Gratitude.

This letter serves as my complete release of all the expressions of gratitude and thanks. Well, complete as in "as much as I can pour until I run out of ideas of expressing it".

It is not everyday that you meet another soul that connects to the heart.
And when you do eventually find one, you must with all your strength and capabilities keep them close to you and never lose them.

Fortunately I have found a few, and this very individual is none other than the above.

I am really glad that I met this pretty little angel. Someone that understands me without the mask. Someone who accepts me as who I am. Someone who can make me feel at ease around: Both around herself and also in my own perception of me.
There seems to be no barrier in between, even as our ages vary by almost 5 months. A year in effect, but mathematically 5 months and 5 days my senior.

Today I even had the gracious pleasure of meeting her family. And I have to say, the lot is a wonderful company to be around.
Cheerful, gracious, welcoming, warm, courteous... all these words seem to fall short of expressing thoroughly the true nature of these individuals. As personalities, you could not ask for more. As a family, no fault could be identified. As members of the society, nothing could be more perfect.

To be frank, feeling inferior around them in terms of self-reflection is almost as automatic as a rusty screw bouncing into a jeweler's shop. But they make you feel so welcome, almost like they brought heaven itself to Earth. Uncanny, but seriously, you need to experience it yourself to understand the true beauty of this family.

Back to the angel. I must make a note to myself that this is one person that I must not let go no matter what.
I have seen the fragile side of this soul, and I must strive to protect and preserve the luster of this jewel. Because there is much of a future that lies in wait for this fortunate being. And that it would be a waste to let the world in general not receive the blessing of this talented soul.

I guess I have to really devise new and intuitive ways of repaying this person. "Thank you" just doesn't cut it anymore....



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Reincarnation

*Opens eyes*...
...
*Breathes in heavily*
...
"I'm AliVe!!!"

I'm back, incredibly...
Unscathed from the dungeons of fatigue.
Unharmed from the thorns of burden.
Untouched from the flames of defeat.
And I am back for more!

Yes. It is time again to plunge into the life of an architecture student. A life where sleep brings no meaning and rest means nothing to progress. A life where a single line can mean the difference between a solid configuration and a pointless formation.
It is time again to re immerse the self in the life and times of a collegiate student. A life of fun, friends and fury. A life with ups and downs, blacks and whites, opposing perspectives and radical notions.

Life is great. Don't you think so?

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White flag.

I surrender.

My body has submitted to the strains and fatigue of education.

Two weeks ago, my mental health has degraded from normal to a floating state between migraine and acute headaches. It started with the apex of pain occurring according to the solar patterns of the day. Its later developments saw it being prolonged to a point probably four days ago where it lasted throughout the day. Medication has not helped me an inch and neither has rest. Although I have to admit, I have not been sleeping well, being worried with assignments and with my in-built insomnia disorder.
Monday saw my neurotism hitting an all time low. Hallucinations occurred and paranoia caused me to do a double-take on whatever I did.
Now, I no longer can hold my technical pens properly. My muscles ache all over and my bones are in pain.
I also think that my vision is blurring in dimly lit regions. Observational skills have deteriorated and basic arithmetical abilities are close to nil.
Now, my nose bleeds, my throat is inflamed and loaded with phlegm. I have a headache, and cannot think straight. I am also immensely fatigued.

I don't think I can attend classes normally anymore. Neither can I wake up whenever I want to. At least for this week.
I should let my body decide then. For I need it to be at the best state of health to resume battle with architecture.

All I see in my near future is nothing but the point blank stare of suffering and bleakness.

A very large apology to all my friends and family. And to my lecturers, peers and associates.

Signing out,
LEONG YAU SOON.

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Sometimes, it is a good thing to let other people into your life.

It may take some guts, lots of trust, and some faith.
But the trouble is always worth it. Because now you are less lonely by one person in your lifetime.

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The successor to life.

It shall be said that when we leave this Earth, all we leave behind is the name, and any memories that are attached to it.
Although I strive to always plant great memories of myself into your hearts, only time will tell if I had succeeded or otherwise.
. . .
Until then, we can only wish that we achieve a happy ending for ourselves, something that seems so far a way for this humble soul at the moment.
How this soul has come to be so affected by you is beyond his comprehension, for if he did understand, he might be able to cope with it better. Unfortunately, none is such true.
And with the passing of time the shards of the heart continue to mend. Unknown it is when it will be of whole again.
For this is the way you left me, I'm not pretending. No hope, no love, no glory.
No happy ending.



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Still holding on... to what?

It's the holidays again. *sigh*

It's been a while since this site has had any updates, and thus, this post shall be labelled as long due.
Now is a perfect time to reflect on the developments that have occurred in the last 4 weeks since the initiation of degree life.

The lecturer's this time round have been awesome. Even in the subjects that have been labelled as "insanely tough" by seniors and classmates alike have been kind to me.
Its perfectly understandable that some of them might have difficulties in the subject though, not everything has been straightforward. But at least the lecturers are facilitating in helping students understand the problem better, and not otherwise.
The workload is rapidly piling up, no excuses there. However, it does not bother me much as I am doing what I truly want to do.

New friends have been made, old friends have been lost. Those welcomed into my twisted life so far have been very supportive and understanding: Further increasing my desire to prevent them from being hurt by my actions.

Guess I have to learn how to treat them better.
Some have moved away or left behind. I will always try to keep in touch, but until now, I have not been a good person to do that well. Guess I have to learn that up too.

In short, my University life has been all green and smooth sailing.

But that hasn't stopped me from being hurt by past injuries.

Realizing that all hope is lost is not a realization that anyone can handle, this soul included.
For some reason, a minute vein in the pump still holds on to the unseen hope that does not seem to exist to the mind. And small it may seem, it probably is the only glimmer in the darkness at the moment.
Unfathomable by others, and immature it may be. I have much to learn, I know.
How, is a question I have always been asking myself, and the answer is yet to be seen.

Guess there is much more in life to be learnt.

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Poetic Interpretations of a Broken Heart.

Heart broken, love at loss;

Life goes by, slow like moss.

The mind be pro, like a boss;

But the soul, still be lost.

Heart lost, insanity rife;

Hope I find, somebody nice.

Needs a girl, in his life;

Someone to hold, that's not a knife.

People say, single be free;

Don't know what its like to be me.

Happy yes, even glee;

But only loneliness is all I see.

A shoulder to lean on, when they have left;

A hand to hold, when all by myself.
An ear to listen, not someone deaf;

A heart to trust, even life and death.

Tonight I stand, all alone;

Wishing that, I had never known.

The beauty of love, the feelings shown;
To be a person, where passion had grown.

So let it be, I tell the world;

There's more to life, than finding a girl.
Probably life can be said, to be a pearl;

Layer by layer, slow to unfurl.

Hell beckons, heaven calls;

Time to visit dreamland halls.

Sleep sound, let it fall;

Stare into the crystal ball.

I think of you, I cannot forget;

The curse you set, the day we met.

Dammed you, you crazy pet;

You made me want something, I cannot get.

Exhausted and Disappointed.

The last few weeks has been harsh on my body, and my mind.

Not only have I have less and less time to do the things that I want to do; such as watching movies, taking walks, playing games and such, I have even lost time for essential stuff such as sleep and meals.

If this keeps going on, I might not survive to live till 100.

But however, I am fortunate to have friends that support me in my pursuit of whatever I am chasing:
It is these friends who make my life worthwhile.
The sheer reason I put up with this mortal suffering.

The reason I wake up everyday.
The reason why I never give up.

So at this moment, I am thankful of my friends.

Now for my other prevalent issue.
I regret to a certain extent towards the self that I reside in.

Not because it contains imperfections of the human condition; That I can adapt and improve with time, patience and persistence.
It is the complications that I have failed to understand until this day.
The myriad of intertwined layers that challenges those who try to peel it.

The shell that protects the true self, unperturbed by any force that seeks to know its contents.

Sometimes I wonder, does anyone else have this difficulty in realizing the true self of oneself.
Or is it just me and my lack of knowledge of me.

Guess I know a lot about the world for a reason, because I have never actually spent time looking at myself and putting effort into knowing who I really am...

Too bad.

You know me more than I do.

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Barely Hanging On.

My dreams have been getting worse lately.
Every night I am thrust into scenarios, where my sanity is questionable. in the realm of imagination, I watched the two of them having the time of their lives.
The details are vivid as my mind is one of the high imaginative type, able to visualize things in utmost detail and realism. In architecture, this mind carries much potential and power; because being able to mentally create space and form in an instant of a neuron spark is incredibly beneficial.
Unfortunately, it means that if my mind goes out of whack, it is that much easier to lose my sanity.

So there I am, on the sidelines, unable to move due to an unseen binding power, forced to stare at the scene happening before me.

The voice in my head tempts me to destroy what I see. But my conscience rises above temptation and I refrain from doing anything destructive.
So I bear the pain and heartache.
But I do question how much longer can I refrain myself.

I worry that what happens in my dream may happen in reality.
It might already have happened. But I cannot tell the difference. Which is disturbing as the thick border between reality and imagination is fading at such a speed, I may no longer know the difference.
To be honest, knowing about something that hurts you is one thing. Seeing with your own eyes is another different thing of another different level. Having it repeated in your mind, with a magnified and exaggerated form, in Full-HD and surround sound realism, and never knowing when it will end, is different beyond imagination.
How I scraped out of last night is unthinkable. How I might survive the nights to come is less thinkable, believable nor imaginable.
Both ways, the heart is breaking apart. You might not see it, as I have mastered to a certain extent to mask the effects of pain. I however expect it to boil over soon, and leak out of the shell of disclosure. It no longer is a matter of IF, but a question of WHEN.

And I hope that whenever it does come to the stage when I no longer can hold it in, that none of those souls that linger around me, shall suffer the consequences of my boundless pain. Especially those two.

So, with the little conscience that I may have left, I shall state my stand to this very day:

>I shall help a friend in need, at whatever the cost, if the need shall be necessary.
>I shall not expect help for my needs, as you can never read my mind.

>I will never leave anyone behind, unless it is impossible to be included. -Ohana-

>I will not trouble a friend with personal qualms, it the problem lies within me.
>The burden of the self shall be carried only by the self, and no one else.
>I shall not interfere with the happiness and joy of others, at the expense of the self.
>I shall make my presence around all of you as normal as I can be, and leave no trace of my own disruptions, at whatever the cost.

>What is mine can be shared to those who deserves it.
>What is yours, I shall not take unless you offer it to me, and that I deserve it.
>I shall be happy with your happiness. But you should not be sad with me.
>I shall be loyal to my cause, but shall amend it if it is appropriate.

I should probably immerse or drown myself in work.
Possibly that might help.

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Want = Get. Forgo get = Forget.

Every night I dream about how I would have wanted my life to be.
Whether it is by having more money to spend independently, more technology to fill my time, the absence of loneliness in my daily routine, or just a fantasy world where anything is possible;
I indulge myself in this temporary utopia each and every day.

The shortfall is that when I wake up, more than half of the time, I become slightly depressed of how the state of my life currently adds up.

My parents were sort of lucky: I am a child of little demands and requirements.
I have never pestered my parents to purchase or obtain anything that I want without meticulously thinking over my decision for its weightage, use and importance.
Those things that I really, really want are few in between. And I have always fought my way to obtain it with my own capabilities. In short, I always felt that it was my own responsibility to put effort into getting whatever I want; and ensuring that no one else had to uphold the burden of my wants and demands.

Probably I have gone tired and weary.
I no longer have the motivation to get what I want.
My resolve has weaken. And so has the determination for want.

I have concluded that if that something I desire is too far to reach, too hard to obtain, or to painful to procure, I discontinue my search and all efforts of obtaining it.
Now that is the easy part. However, the elimination of desire towards the target is slightly harder to omit and expel.
So it leaves me hanging. Wanting. Craving for that little something.

This is a lesson learnt for the years to come.
You may never get all that you want in your life.
Dissapointment comes with each and every decision: The decision to want and the decision not to want.

Too bad for me.

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Me? Who?

Sometimes, I wonder...

Well actually, I wonder quite often,

If I am being a good enough a friend to all of you.

Is my company a presence that increases the quality of time you spend in the vicinity of others?

Is my presence an entity that brings happiness and joy to your life?
Is my presence an entity that brings satisfaction for your time?

Do I try my best to be there when you need me?

Do I try my best to help you when you need it?
Do I provide enough opinions to enrich your life?

Do I provide enough qualities to simplify your troubles?

Do I play a role of "good company" well enough?
Do I play a role of "supporter" strong enough?
Do I play a role of "guardian angel" honestly enough?
Do I play the part of "role model" in your life?
Do I even play a role in your matrix of life?

Am I a friend that you believe you can depend on for help?
Am I a friend that you believe you can depend for support?

Am I a friend that you believe you can seek for company?

Am I a friend that you believe you can find in times of hardship?
Am I a friend that you can believe?
Am I a friend in your social circle?
Am I a friend to you?

The insecurity is sort of killing me.
But I guess I have died a couple of times already.

But in the end, I should not trouble those around me with the doubts that I have with myself.

Because this is about me and myself, not the fault or reason of anyone else.

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Think, I shall not.

Being the selfish soul that I am, I question things regularly.
Normally we are invited to question topics on a frequent basis, to inspect whether we are confident on the stand and opinion that we are faced in the passage of time.
Me however, has a very negative tendency to question even the littlest of things that arrive in my mind.

I guess that is the price to pay for an overclocked mind that runs faster than normal.

So here I am, questioning the significance of my very own life towards the lives of the friends and other people around me.

Do I play any part in your lives? Am I a friend to you? Do I matter?
Why is it that I must invite myself into your activities for most of the times?
Why is it that I must manually make myself visible to you for you all to acknowledge my presence?
How is it that I can detect when you are in trouble without you even hinting at me whilst it takes a ton of effort for you to even realize that I am less than alright?
Why can't I ever find a person that I can regard as an equal, in terms of perseverance, mindfulness, observance, selflessness and empathy?

Am I destined to be alone in this world?

Are my pursuits for a companion against my fate?

Why Me?

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LonelyKupid

It has been a long and tiring week.

The silence has so forth killed me. And if I haven't died in my physical form, I probably figure that I have been soulfully murdered about 4 times throughout my life. Half of those cases of homicide were because of my pursuits for a better future.

To cope with this is in now effing way easy, I must admit. I do not expect "any" of my friends to be able to survive the pain and despair that I am wading through with scars and burns. Probably one or two special individuals may survive the fatal wounds and dismemberment of apparatuses that forever may leave its mark, but most will have given up.

But rest assured, I have not given up just yet. I think....

Well then, the chase is off. I have lost almost all reason to pursue my heart's desire, much less my souls content. Never has life been so bleak and empty. Time has merely become a measure of comparison; A figure in space without any correlation to the life and soul of the human being.

You have proven to me that sometimes what we may believe to be true might so much only be a mirage in a desert. A phantom in the darkness.

You have convinced me that all my past efforts were merely aimed at the blank sky, pointless and devoid of a destination. Like a monkey that yearns to grab the sun.

You have made me believe that I mean no significance in your life. Even though you may have meant the world to me in the past. A non-reciprocal feeling that I can never hope to get back.

You have enlightened me that I should become stronger and admit defeat more often. For at my current state I am but weak, powerless, hopeless and a pointless being with a meager existence, not significant in any way.

So with utter absolution, I shall declare my pursuits conceded and discontinued.

I shall not convene any feeling of love and romance any longer. I shall defer any personal opinion towards you in any biased manner that I have held so far. I shall stop reaching for the skies to grab the stars that I wish to keep. I shall end my pointless pursuit of paternal happiness that I always needed for myself. I shall stop seeking for the loving kindness that I have never enjoyed with utter pleasure until this day. I shall stop finding ways to make myself happy and contented with my present life.

I shall try to force myself to forget about you. I shall refrain from thinking about the future of you and me. And I vow, never ever, ever, to seek out my other half of a broken soul, and for that magical missing piece of my heart that has never ever been home.

However,

Even in times of despair such as the present, I shall not devoid of my cause and purpose:

To help those that I care for that are in need;

To support those that I cherish whenever they fall;

To brighten up the days of those still in darkness;

To be there when you need me;

To be there when no one else will;

To catch a grenade for you without an ounce of doubt about my own life;

To be a friend, above all else.

It should be common knowledge that a cupid may play matchmaker to countless others, but in terms of his own self, he may never shoot the arrows onto his own body.
So in short, those who help others, will themselves live a solitary life of little assistance.

This is the philosophy of LonelyKupid. A label he has acquired and fought for during the many years of his life. A name that many recognize, and many more acknowledge with utter confidence.
An entity that strives to help others with sure-fire duty and responsibility, without any hope or desire for the deeds to be returned in any way whatsoever.
An entity that garners joy from the joy of others, but never enjoys those of his own.
An entity that appears in times of need, and disappears for the rest of the duration of your lives.

Spot this soul, and befriend him with all your might.
For he will assist you in all your measures of life. He will be there in times of need, wherever, whenever and whoever you are or may be.

For he will also need your support to further his cause in the world. And that if you are helping him, you are helping everyone he knows; and the chain of loving kindness shall live on to the days end.

To find him, find the blue stained molar on any of his mobile communication devices.
Or you can trace this blog back to the e-mail account.

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Save Game

We will never know when we will leave this world.

We can never plan our departure.

It could be in a hundred years time. It could be in fifty. It could come in ten.

It could come next year, next month, next week, tomorrow.
Heck, maybe we will leave in a few minutes.

This worries me that I might leave with a heavy heart, not achieving all that I want to achieve.

Not being able to do all the things I want to do.

Not being able to tell all the things I want to say.

This few lines practically dictate why sometimes I act in such a brash manner.

I might be rushing for no apparent reason, I might be stressed for nothing.

But the truth is, I want to live the life that I want to live.

But life has it's way of presenting us with barriers or "levels" to pass through before we can reach what we want to achieve. Some "bosses" are easy to defeat, some tougher. Just as well, some rewards are small, others grand.

Just so you know, there aren't many levels where you can "save game" and express everything that you want to say to everyone, what you have achieved and are yet to perform.

I just hope that this "save" is sufficient for the time being.

To my parents and bro;

I may have been a brat. I have been insolent and rude at times. I am lazy, I admit. I know I have never listened to your countless naggings.

To study harder, to exercise XP, to clean up, to be more responsibe, to do things by myself, to not waste time, to practice my piano more, to spend less time on the net, to sleep early.

But rest assured, I take your advises to heart. I know it is for the better of me.

Sorry.

Thank you for cleaning up my mess. Thank you for caring for me. Thank you for teaching me all the skills that I have. Thank you for being there. And thank you for being the mum and dad that I have always had.

To my friends and family;

I may have been selfish. I am sure I have been rude. I have been bad tempered, foul-mouthed, ignorant and uncaring. I have hurt you, both physically and verbally. To some of you, I definitely have hurt you psychologically. To some others, the hurt may be much deeper than that.

You may think that I don't feel the pain, That I am a selfish soul that is cold to the core.

Some of it may be true. But for the most part, I am deeply in regret for creating pain in all your hearts and minds.

I will not blame you if you hate me. It's alright. For I am not perfect. I am, but just an immature child.

I am sorry. I regret. And I try to fix. But I still regret.

On a brighter note, I thank you all for being the best friends that a kid can ever ask for. You all have helped me understand the meaning of friendship and companionship. You have made me a better person.

To All of you. The thousands of you that I want to name but is reluctant to.

Thank you.

XDD

And to that someone out there,

SSBzdGlsbCBsaWtlIHlvdS4gTG92ZSB5b3UgZXZlbi4gQnV0IHRoYXQncyBqdXN0IG1lIEkgZ3Vlc3MuIFhERA==

To Protect.

It's been a while, I know.

Keeping myself busy seems to be able to a certain extent, prevent me from having any dark and depressing thoughts. But this practice can be quite tiring.

I mean, how long can you cram yourself with cooking, reading, TV, internet, sleep and stuff until you come to a point where you want to do nothing at all? Not much.

At least I have this dark corner to spill all the depression all at once, to shield all those around me from the pain that I endure that comes from within.

I do this because I do not think that any of my friends or family is by any right entitled to share my pain. This lump of depression is caused by me and shall be dealt with by me, for me.

It is not fair to spread pain to innocent souls. And I wish to prevent my friends and family from being inflicted by my pain.

I just want everyone to be happy. And that should make me happy.

Sometimes I wonder, if I were to go missing, would anyone be affected?

I don't know. But sometimes I feel left out. I feel that even though people say that "we are a team" and such, I wonder if they really mean it or not. Because, sometimes I feel that I am being ignored. I feel small. I feel unimportant. I feel.... useless.

Not that I am degrading myself, nor do I feel that it is their fault for ignoring me. I just wished i had someone that I could always feel close to. Someone by my side all the time.

Yes, sometimes I need my personal time. But sometimes, I need to be reminded that I am still a friend of yours.

I know. I am very selfish and self-centered. I am very egoistic. I am not perfect.

I miss my friends. I really do.

They make me feel complete. I feel like a real person around them. But when they walk out of my life, I just don't feel alive anymore. And that sucks.

*sigh*

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Self-Inspection

And so another precious day passes by without much of a parade. But today was different for me.

Today I let myself wonder, and think. Somehow today I really wanted to know what was wrong with me. Why am I so unlucky and unproductive when it comes to like and love.

I have never truly loved someone before. I may have been good and nice to a large number of people, and I may have been great company to a few more. But never have I loved someONE.

To me, love may be a little alien to the mind, being slightly remote and unfamiliar. I do not know how to handle it properly. Which might explain why I am such a looser in this field. Maybe it's because I am not brave enough. Maybe it's because I am not intelligent enough. Maybe... I just wasn't born to love. I don't know.

I have liked someone before. But the feeling I realized too late was not mutual. So that experience left me slightly heart-broken. Even though it only affected me for six months, those six months were bitter. And that is all it takes to leave a blemish on your life.

So yes, maybe I am afraid to be hurt again. But I am also afraid that I might hurt her more than it hurts me; which in turn hurts me more. And that is depressing.

Constantly I tell myself: Forget about love. There is much more in life than love. Go and do the things you like and see the things you want to see. There is so much to do.

True, I answer back. We only have one life to live, and one existence to fulfill. Responsibilities to uphold and duties to perform.

I unwillingly have to admit, my life before meeting you was very organised, very calm and very normal. So in a way, you have turned my life upside-down and messed it up. But I don't blame you. It's not your fault. Well, it kinda is, but I still don't blame you.

So what is it with me and love? I still have no idea.

Cupid seems to be shooting defected arrows lately. Maybe it's because of global warming.

All I know is that I still like you. But I have no clue if you like me or not.

Life's like that right?

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Humm

Today was an uneventful day.

Had the car all to myself for the whole day, so I went out to do some errands.

Nothing much actually, just buy some groceries, stock up the fridge, collect some necessities, settle some issues at the bank, and copy some brass-ware. Also an opportunity to have a short sight-seeing venture into the city which I haven't seen for about 6 months. Nothing much has changed though.

Driving in the city was kinda relaxing, compared to the faster-paced hustle of the highway on the other side of the peninsular.

The internet is as slow as it always is, and there is not much hype on the internet. Boring.

The problem with these lazy-days is that it takes slightly more effort to prevent the mind from wandering and bringing memories into the forefront of life. I think I miss those days where I could just lie down on the couch, let my mind wander, and watch (like a third-person-movie) the crazy and interesting memories that the brain coughs up. Nowadays, the stuff that the mind reviews is slightly on the predictable side...

Looking forward to watching an epic movie that just came out today. This should take my mind off you for a while I hope. Not that I want to forget you, (I might, but that's not the point) but I think I am slightly missing out on the life that is currently happening.

Missing out on life is not something I want to regret later. Still miss you though on a lighter note.

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Sunshine Comes.

Since I saw you, you made an impact on me.

The person that I saw was a person beyond the physical self. I saw the caring soul that accompanied the body, brightening up the days of everyone around you. You were the star of the group, the sunshine of the day. And that was not a normal sight I have to say.

You have been in the deepest troughs of my mind for such a long time. Not that I didn't notice, but I tried keeping it to myself for such a long time.

Somehow everything I do reminds me of you. Someone just told me recently that it is the testament that I can feel true feelings and that it proves that I am truly alive and well. But for how much longer I can stay well alive is to be questioned.

I fear that my attention and concentration will be disturbed in everything that I commit myself to in the near future. And that thought is slightly alarming. Because not only is my future now in question, but also the sheer fabric of my sanity and logic.

So yes, I like you. I need you. And I want you.

But I can't.

Because this is only my half of the story.

Your life is what you choose of it, and I have no say of what you want, need, and should do. So whether you like me or not is up to you. And whether you end up being with me or otherwise is completely out of my control.

The best I can do is to be the best person I can be, and hope for the best.

True love cannot be rushed. And true love cannot be forced. For true love comes naturally.

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Remember this?

I know that sometimes I need to solve my own problems, myself.

I have abstained from releasing this inner feeling of mine for such a long time. To be honest, I don't think I actually remember the moment when this happened.

Basically, I think that I am totally infatuated and smitten by a particular person. Head over heels. Almost every moment of the day, this person has been lingering in the deepest caverns of my head and mind.

At first the thoughts were subliminal, like little wisps of pleasant breeze on a hot day. Later it became the sunshine of my days.

Not that any of this was the fault of the person. She did not do anything out of the ordinary. She was just who she was. The thing was that this lonely heart just seemed to be attracted beyond reason towards this person. How? I don't know. Guess falling in love really does take an unplanned dive.

I have tried thinking about other things, focusing on other people, objects, games, even submerging myself with work. But the thought never left the mind. It manifested. It took control.

Now I am unsure of what I should do now. Seriously. A feeling this deep has never existed. Even my previous one never invoked this much stress, this much thought. I am honestly clueless of my next move.

But things happen. And I feel that the best way forward is to move forward. I tell myself that actions must be taken, but I am scared. Insecure. Fearful.

Fearful that I might hurt this individual.
Scared that I might burden this innocent soul.
Afraid that I might not perform the best that a person should perform.
Unsure that I should do this.
Not confident that this is the right way of doing things.
Afraid that my actions might hurt not only her, but also some friends of hers, if any.

But I guess not trying is not right either. Right?

What should I Do??? @.@ T.T

The Problem.

The problem with me is that I have very little demands.

I don't ask for clothes. I don't ask for toys. I don't ask for anything often. It might seem like a good thing, learning to live with less and stuff, but it also means you don't know how to ask for when you reach a point when you want something...

And that brings me to the point. I want something.

I want something that might not be intended for me.

I want something that does not belong to me.

I want something, that probably I cannot have in my entire life.

And that, is a big problem for a small kid.

Why do I want it? I don't know. But I cannot live without it. I think...

Family.

Okay, up to speed.

Primary School: SK Galing.
Secondary School: SMK Sultan Abu Bakar.

College: Taylor's University.

Life has been good generally. Although looking back from where I stand now, I do somehow regret to a certain extent much of the time in primary and secondary school. Nothing adverse went wrong there, it's just that I wished I had spent more time with the friends I had then. I feel slightly detached now from them. Too bad for me, I guess.

College has been better. Well actually, University. I only spent about a month in college. [hehehehe]. Ok, back to the story...
A few months before college, I went to PLKN. First batch in January, to a camp in Sepang. I had an epic and awesome time there. One more thing I learnt was that being included in a group need not be only because you 'knew' each other or had similarities, you could even compile yourselves into a "family". I might sound like an idiot but the idea caught hold in my mind.

I don't know why then. Maybe because I "kekurangan cinto" (-Valery XD), but this organisation of a second family away from home made me feel whole, albeit better.

When I left National Service, I realized and experienced-first hand the pain of separation from the people that you had lived with so closely for the past two months. It might have only been two months, but it has thought me that even within that short period of time, we could create bonds that would last much longer.

Uni life started in July 2010. Just like the first day of school, we will encounter new people, unfamiliar faces and adversely different environments. As things got sorted out and life settled down, someone suggested that we form a "Taylor's Family". Kiddish as it may seem, it became a very large vector in my life and my daily decisions. So much so that it will affect my life as a whole and also the person that is involved in it, me.

So yes, I gained a second family. So what?

We hung out together. We ate together. We did projects together. We partied together. We also traveled together. But most important of all, we had fun together.

So much was done together that I realized the amount of fun you could have with people. Being a slight nerd-recluse before, this was a change in my lifestyle and well-being. I had never been happier. Or so I thought I could..

Just two weeks ago, the course ended. inevitably we parted ways to return home. From there, I could observe the pain that others were experiencing during this moment of separation. I call myself slightly more resilient as I had experienced this before and was more prepared for it. We all knew that Degree was to start in a month and a half, but seeing people off for the first time was sort of new, and some could not handle it as well as it could be.

So today, I sit behind my new lappie. Well, not exactly new but kinda new-ish. Plus today, I reformatted this into a monster.

I think I may be doing this to keep my mind off something I don't want to think about often. The thought ain't bad in any way. It's just that... well... you could say that my life is being turned upside down by something I have never experienced in full force before.

Lets leave it at that for today, shall we?

Inception

*Sigh*

I guess this is the first time I am writing a blog.

Yes, I know. I might be extremely outdated and such. Honestly I am still asking why I decided to start blogging TODAY, NOW. I am not sure, but something tells me that today is the day that I should do something. XD

Basically life up to now has been much of a roller-coaster ride of sorts. And although it might sound like a cliche, it just properly sums up my life.
There has been happy times, freaky times, joyous times, and recently, some sad times.

Why the sudden influx of sad times, I just can't pin-point the pain yet. That requires some more introspection to identify. So in short, I'm doing fine. But I don't like it at "just fine".

Something is missing. But owh well, nothing is perfect right?