Want = Get. Forgo get = Forget.

Every night I dream about how I would have wanted my life to be.
Whether it is by having more money to spend independently, more technology to fill my time, the absence of loneliness in my daily routine, or just a fantasy world where anything is possible;
I indulge myself in this temporary utopia each and every day.

The shortfall is that when I wake up, more than half of the time, I become slightly depressed of how the state of my life currently adds up.

My parents were sort of lucky: I am a child of little demands and requirements.
I have never pestered my parents to purchase or obtain anything that I want without meticulously thinking over my decision for its weightage, use and importance.
Those things that I really, really want are few in between. And I have always fought my way to obtain it with my own capabilities. In short, I always felt that it was my own responsibility to put effort into getting whatever I want; and ensuring that no one else had to uphold the burden of my wants and demands.

Probably I have gone tired and weary.
I no longer have the motivation to get what I want.
My resolve has weaken. And so has the determination for want.

I have concluded that if that something I desire is too far to reach, too hard to obtain, or to painful to procure, I discontinue my search and all efforts of obtaining it.
Now that is the easy part. However, the elimination of desire towards the target is slightly harder to omit and expel.
So it leaves me hanging. Wanting. Craving for that little something.

This is a lesson learnt for the years to come.
You may never get all that you want in your life.
Dissapointment comes with each and every decision: The decision to want and the decision not to want.

Too bad for me.

01010111 01101001 01110011 01101000 01101100 01101001 01110011 01110100 00100000 01110101 01101110 01100110 01110101 01101100 01100110 01101001 01101100 01101100 01100101 01100100 00101110

Me? Who?

Sometimes, I wonder...

Well actually, I wonder quite often,

If I am being a good enough a friend to all of you.

Is my company a presence that increases the quality of time you spend in the vicinity of others?

Is my presence an entity that brings happiness and joy to your life?
Is my presence an entity that brings satisfaction for your time?

Do I try my best to be there when you need me?

Do I try my best to help you when you need it?
Do I provide enough opinions to enrich your life?

Do I provide enough qualities to simplify your troubles?

Do I play a role of "good company" well enough?
Do I play a role of "supporter" strong enough?
Do I play a role of "guardian angel" honestly enough?
Do I play the part of "role model" in your life?
Do I even play a role in your matrix of life?

Am I a friend that you believe you can depend on for help?
Am I a friend that you believe you can depend for support?

Am I a friend that you believe you can seek for company?

Am I a friend that you believe you can find in times of hardship?
Am I a friend that you can believe?
Am I a friend in your social circle?
Am I a friend to you?

The insecurity is sort of killing me.
But I guess I have died a couple of times already.

But in the end, I should not trouble those around me with the doubts that I have with myself.

Because this is about me and myself, not the fault or reason of anyone else.

01010011 01100101 01101100 01100110 00101101 01001001 01101110 01110011 01100101 01100011 01110101 01110010 01101001 01110100 01111001 00101101 01000011 01101111 01101101 01110000 01101100 01100101 01111000 00101110

Think, I shall not.

Being the selfish soul that I am, I question things regularly.
Normally we are invited to question topics on a frequent basis, to inspect whether we are confident on the stand and opinion that we are faced in the passage of time.
Me however, has a very negative tendency to question even the littlest of things that arrive in my mind.

I guess that is the price to pay for an overclocked mind that runs faster than normal.

So here I am, questioning the significance of my very own life towards the lives of the friends and other people around me.

Do I play any part in your lives? Am I a friend to you? Do I matter?
Why is it that I must invite myself into your activities for most of the times?
Why is it that I must manually make myself visible to you for you all to acknowledge my presence?
How is it that I can detect when you are in trouble without you even hinting at me whilst it takes a ton of effort for you to even realize that I am less than alright?
Why can't I ever find a person that I can regard as an equal, in terms of perseverance, mindfulness, observance, selflessness and empathy?

Am I destined to be alone in this world?

Are my pursuits for a companion against my fate?

Why Me?

01001111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100001 01110010 01101101 01111001 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01101101 01111001 01110011 01100101 01101100 01100110 00101110

LonelyKupid

It has been a long and tiring week.

The silence has so forth killed me. And if I haven't died in my physical form, I probably figure that I have been soulfully murdered about 4 times throughout my life. Half of those cases of homicide were because of my pursuits for a better future.

To cope with this is in now effing way easy, I must admit. I do not expect "any" of my friends to be able to survive the pain and despair that I am wading through with scars and burns. Probably one or two special individuals may survive the fatal wounds and dismemberment of apparatuses that forever may leave its mark, but most will have given up.

But rest assured, I have not given up just yet. I think....

Well then, the chase is off. I have lost almost all reason to pursue my heart's desire, much less my souls content. Never has life been so bleak and empty. Time has merely become a measure of comparison; A figure in space without any correlation to the life and soul of the human being.

You have proven to me that sometimes what we may believe to be true might so much only be a mirage in a desert. A phantom in the darkness.

You have convinced me that all my past efforts were merely aimed at the blank sky, pointless and devoid of a destination. Like a monkey that yearns to grab the sun.

You have made me believe that I mean no significance in your life. Even though you may have meant the world to me in the past. A non-reciprocal feeling that I can never hope to get back.

You have enlightened me that I should become stronger and admit defeat more often. For at my current state I am but weak, powerless, hopeless and a pointless being with a meager existence, not significant in any way.

So with utter absolution, I shall declare my pursuits conceded and discontinued.

I shall not convene any feeling of love and romance any longer. I shall defer any personal opinion towards you in any biased manner that I have held so far. I shall stop reaching for the skies to grab the stars that I wish to keep. I shall end my pointless pursuit of paternal happiness that I always needed for myself. I shall stop seeking for the loving kindness that I have never enjoyed with utter pleasure until this day. I shall stop finding ways to make myself happy and contented with my present life.

I shall try to force myself to forget about you. I shall refrain from thinking about the future of you and me. And I vow, never ever, ever, to seek out my other half of a broken soul, and for that magical missing piece of my heart that has never ever been home.

However,

Even in times of despair such as the present, I shall not devoid of my cause and purpose:

To help those that I care for that are in need;

To support those that I cherish whenever they fall;

To brighten up the days of those still in darkness;

To be there when you need me;

To be there when no one else will;

To catch a grenade for you without an ounce of doubt about my own life;

To be a friend, above all else.

It should be common knowledge that a cupid may play matchmaker to countless others, but in terms of his own self, he may never shoot the arrows onto his own body.
So in short, those who help others, will themselves live a solitary life of little assistance.

This is the philosophy of LonelyKupid. A label he has acquired and fought for during the many years of his life. A name that many recognize, and many more acknowledge with utter confidence.
An entity that strives to help others with sure-fire duty and responsibility, without any hope or desire for the deeds to be returned in any way whatsoever.
An entity that garners joy from the joy of others, but never enjoys those of his own.
An entity that appears in times of need, and disappears for the rest of the duration of your lives.

Spot this soul, and befriend him with all your might.
For he will assist you in all your measures of life. He will be there in times of need, wherever, whenever and whoever you are or may be.

For he will also need your support to further his cause in the world. And that if you are helping him, you are helping everyone he knows; and the chain of loving kindness shall live on to the days end.

To find him, find the blue stained molar on any of his mobile communication devices.
Or you can trace this blog back to the e-mail account.

01000001 01101100 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00111111

Save Game

We will never know when we will leave this world.

We can never plan our departure.

It could be in a hundred years time. It could be in fifty. It could come in ten.

It could come next year, next month, next week, tomorrow.
Heck, maybe we will leave in a few minutes.

This worries me that I might leave with a heavy heart, not achieving all that I want to achieve.

Not being able to do all the things I want to do.

Not being able to tell all the things I want to say.

This few lines practically dictate why sometimes I act in such a brash manner.

I might be rushing for no apparent reason, I might be stressed for nothing.

But the truth is, I want to live the life that I want to live.

But life has it's way of presenting us with barriers or "levels" to pass through before we can reach what we want to achieve. Some "bosses" are easy to defeat, some tougher. Just as well, some rewards are small, others grand.

Just so you know, there aren't many levels where you can "save game" and express everything that you want to say to everyone, what you have achieved and are yet to perform.

I just hope that this "save" is sufficient for the time being.

To my parents and bro;

I may have been a brat. I have been insolent and rude at times. I am lazy, I admit. I know I have never listened to your countless naggings.

To study harder, to exercise XP, to clean up, to be more responsibe, to do things by myself, to not waste time, to practice my piano more, to spend less time on the net, to sleep early.

But rest assured, I take your advises to heart. I know it is for the better of me.

Sorry.

Thank you for cleaning up my mess. Thank you for caring for me. Thank you for teaching me all the skills that I have. Thank you for being there. And thank you for being the mum and dad that I have always had.

To my friends and family;

I may have been selfish. I am sure I have been rude. I have been bad tempered, foul-mouthed, ignorant and uncaring. I have hurt you, both physically and verbally. To some of you, I definitely have hurt you psychologically. To some others, the hurt may be much deeper than that.

You may think that I don't feel the pain, That I am a selfish soul that is cold to the core.

Some of it may be true. But for the most part, I am deeply in regret for creating pain in all your hearts and minds.

I will not blame you if you hate me. It's alright. For I am not perfect. I am, but just an immature child.

I am sorry. I regret. And I try to fix. But I still regret.

On a brighter note, I thank you all for being the best friends that a kid can ever ask for. You all have helped me understand the meaning of friendship and companionship. You have made me a better person.

To All of you. The thousands of you that I want to name but is reluctant to.

Thank you.

XDD

And to that someone out there,

SSBzdGlsbCBsaWtlIHlvdS4gTG92ZSB5b3UgZXZlbi4gQnV0IHRoYXQncyBqdXN0IG1lIEkgZ3Vlc3MuIFhERA==

To Protect.

It's been a while, I know.

Keeping myself busy seems to be able to a certain extent, prevent me from having any dark and depressing thoughts. But this practice can be quite tiring.

I mean, how long can you cram yourself with cooking, reading, TV, internet, sleep and stuff until you come to a point where you want to do nothing at all? Not much.

At least I have this dark corner to spill all the depression all at once, to shield all those around me from the pain that I endure that comes from within.

I do this because I do not think that any of my friends or family is by any right entitled to share my pain. This lump of depression is caused by me and shall be dealt with by me, for me.

It is not fair to spread pain to innocent souls. And I wish to prevent my friends and family from being inflicted by my pain.

I just want everyone to be happy. And that should make me happy.

Sometimes I wonder, if I were to go missing, would anyone be affected?

I don't know. But sometimes I feel left out. I feel that even though people say that "we are a team" and such, I wonder if they really mean it or not. Because, sometimes I feel that I am being ignored. I feel small. I feel unimportant. I feel.... useless.

Not that I am degrading myself, nor do I feel that it is their fault for ignoring me. I just wished i had someone that I could always feel close to. Someone by my side all the time.

Yes, sometimes I need my personal time. But sometimes, I need to be reminded that I am still a friend of yours.

I know. I am very selfish and self-centered. I am very egoistic. I am not perfect.

I miss my friends. I really do.

They make me feel complete. I feel like a real person around them. But when they walk out of my life, I just don't feel alive anymore. And that sucks.

*sigh*

01001110 01100101 01100101 01100100 01110011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100100 01100101 01100001 01110010 00101110