To Protect.

It's been a while, I know.

Keeping myself busy seems to be able to a certain extent, prevent me from having any dark and depressing thoughts. But this practice can be quite tiring.

I mean, how long can you cram yourself with cooking, reading, TV, internet, sleep and stuff until you come to a point where you want to do nothing at all? Not much.

At least I have this dark corner to spill all the depression all at once, to shield all those around me from the pain that I endure that comes from within.

I do this because I do not think that any of my friends or family is by any right entitled to share my pain. This lump of depression is caused by me and shall be dealt with by me, for me.

It is not fair to spread pain to innocent souls. And I wish to prevent my friends and family from being inflicted by my pain.

I just want everyone to be happy. And that should make me happy.

Sometimes I wonder, if I were to go missing, would anyone be affected?

I don't know. But sometimes I feel left out. I feel that even though people say that "we are a team" and such, I wonder if they really mean it or not. Because, sometimes I feel that I am being ignored. I feel small. I feel unimportant. I feel.... useless.

Not that I am degrading myself, nor do I feel that it is their fault for ignoring me. I just wished i had someone that I could always feel close to. Someone by my side all the time.

Yes, sometimes I need my personal time. But sometimes, I need to be reminded that I am still a friend of yours.

I know. I am very selfish and self-centered. I am very egoistic. I am not perfect.

I miss my friends. I really do.

They make me feel complete. I feel like a real person around them. But when they walk out of my life, I just don't feel alive anymore. And that sucks.

*sigh*

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