Reflections

It has been a while. A quiet month. A long year.

2011 has been a momentous year.
A year that shall go down in my history as a year that I must not forget, for reasons that I don’t want to remember. A year that I do not want to remember, because it is a year that I cannot forget.

This year was a year of multiple revelations. Realisations. Discovery. Exploration.

A year of pain. Regret. Doubt.

And yet a year of happiness. A year of satisfaction.

This year I made many new friends. But in that process I have also made a few enemies.
I have discovered new hope. And destroyed a few dreams.

I have made a name for myself. And yet names to be myself.
I have found new family. And also the risk of losing some dear.

I have enlightened myself. And yet submitted to darkness.

It has been a year of firsts. Also a year of lasts.

A year like any other, yet totally unique in every single way.

Life has taught me many things to ponder about. But realizations have not been straightforward, so to speak. The mass of questions that I ponder can be gathered by pound:

Questions that everyone asks.

Who am I? Why am I here? Who do I serve? Who should I be? Why should I be who I want to be? What do I want to be? Why do I want what I want? What is my purpose? What is my destiny?

Am I worthy of my name? Do I deserve to be who I am today? What must I do to deserve what I get?

Questions that might not need an answer.

What happens tomorrow? What if? Why not? Why should I? Why shouldn’t I?

Questions that cannot be answered alone.

Am I supposed to be happy? Was I meant to be alone? Must I go through it all by myself? Do I need support? Who are you to me? Who am I to you?

That is the way of life. You will never find a road that tells you where to go.

Roads have junctions, and splits, and twists and turns. We must determine for ourselves whether we want to follow the road or not. Whether we should take the beaten path or the one less traversed. Whether we should follow the path of others or make one for our own. Whether the path we take is worth it or otherwise. Whether we should turn back and go the other way.

Only we can decide what is right. And only we can know if it is right.

But we can learn. Learn from mistakes. Learn from pain. Learn from suffering. Learn from regret.

Hearts has been broken. Hope has been shattered. Love has been lost. Trust has been betrayed. Wealth has been sapped. Health has been stolen. Innocence has been sold. Souls has been traded.

Tired and beaten, he does not succumb to the pain.

Lost and confused, he holds on despite the agony.

Life must go on for this lonely soul. A journey that knows no end till the end of days cometh to him.

Sometimes he wonders. If the all the effort he has been putting into his life has been all but pointless. Has his life been but meaning and purpose. Were his wishes blind; the heart deaf.

This feeble soul only keeps his dear feelings to himself. Humble.

For he wishes for another soul to love with all he can, without being asked of it.

For he wishes to be loved by all the other souls around him, without the demands from himself if any.

He wishes for a peace of mind, and a heart of innocence. A soul free of debt, and a spirit free of burden.

But these wishes he shall not reveal to any. For he does not want to burden any other being from feeling the requirement of themselves to fulfil his innermost desires. For that is not his true nature.

He shall take whatever is given to him. And he shall give whatever he can provide without an ounce of hesitation if he may.

When will he be freed from the pain that he endures, he waits patiently.

Nobody knows his fate. Nor his future.

Let’s see what the next year brings to this soul.

A pawn of time.

A puppet of fate.

A slave of destiny.

A shadow of the future.

Goodbye 2011.

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