Self-Inspection

And so another precious day passes by without much of a parade. But today was different for me.

Today I let myself wonder, and think. Somehow today I really wanted to know what was wrong with me. Why am I so unlucky and unproductive when it comes to like and love.

I have never truly loved someone before. I may have been good and nice to a large number of people, and I may have been great company to a few more. But never have I loved someONE.

To me, love may be a little alien to the mind, being slightly remote and unfamiliar. I do not know how to handle it properly. Which might explain why I am such a looser in this field. Maybe it's because I am not brave enough. Maybe it's because I am not intelligent enough. Maybe... I just wasn't born to love. I don't know.

I have liked someone before. But the feeling I realized too late was not mutual. So that experience left me slightly heart-broken. Even though it only affected me for six months, those six months were bitter. And that is all it takes to leave a blemish on your life.

So yes, maybe I am afraid to be hurt again. But I am also afraid that I might hurt her more than it hurts me; which in turn hurts me more. And that is depressing.

Constantly I tell myself: Forget about love. There is much more in life than love. Go and do the things you like and see the things you want to see. There is so much to do.

True, I answer back. We only have one life to live, and one existence to fulfill. Responsibilities to uphold and duties to perform.

I unwillingly have to admit, my life before meeting you was very organised, very calm and very normal. So in a way, you have turned my life upside-down and messed it up. But I don't blame you. It's not your fault. Well, it kinda is, but I still don't blame you.

So what is it with me and love? I still have no idea.

Cupid seems to be shooting defected arrows lately. Maybe it's because of global warming.

All I know is that I still like you. But I have no clue if you like me or not.

Life's like that right?

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Humm

Today was an uneventful day.

Had the car all to myself for the whole day, so I went out to do some errands.

Nothing much actually, just buy some groceries, stock up the fridge, collect some necessities, settle some issues at the bank, and copy some brass-ware. Also an opportunity to have a short sight-seeing venture into the city which I haven't seen for about 6 months. Nothing much has changed though.

Driving in the city was kinda relaxing, compared to the faster-paced hustle of the highway on the other side of the peninsular.

The internet is as slow as it always is, and there is not much hype on the internet. Boring.

The problem with these lazy-days is that it takes slightly more effort to prevent the mind from wandering and bringing memories into the forefront of life. I think I miss those days where I could just lie down on the couch, let my mind wander, and watch (like a third-person-movie) the crazy and interesting memories that the brain coughs up. Nowadays, the stuff that the mind reviews is slightly on the predictable side...

Looking forward to watching an epic movie that just came out today. This should take my mind off you for a while I hope. Not that I want to forget you, (I might, but that's not the point) but I think I am slightly missing out on the life that is currently happening.

Missing out on life is not something I want to regret later. Still miss you though on a lighter note.

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Sunshine Comes.

Since I saw you, you made an impact on me.

The person that I saw was a person beyond the physical self. I saw the caring soul that accompanied the body, brightening up the days of everyone around you. You were the star of the group, the sunshine of the day. And that was not a normal sight I have to say.

You have been in the deepest troughs of my mind for such a long time. Not that I didn't notice, but I tried keeping it to myself for such a long time.

Somehow everything I do reminds me of you. Someone just told me recently that it is the testament that I can feel true feelings and that it proves that I am truly alive and well. But for how much longer I can stay well alive is to be questioned.

I fear that my attention and concentration will be disturbed in everything that I commit myself to in the near future. And that thought is slightly alarming. Because not only is my future now in question, but also the sheer fabric of my sanity and logic.

So yes, I like you. I need you. And I want you.

But I can't.

Because this is only my half of the story.

Your life is what you choose of it, and I have no say of what you want, need, and should do. So whether you like me or not is up to you. And whether you end up being with me or otherwise is completely out of my control.

The best I can do is to be the best person I can be, and hope for the best.

True love cannot be rushed. And true love cannot be forced. For true love comes naturally.

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Remember this?

I know that sometimes I need to solve my own problems, myself.

I have abstained from releasing this inner feeling of mine for such a long time. To be honest, I don't think I actually remember the moment when this happened.

Basically, I think that I am totally infatuated and smitten by a particular person. Head over heels. Almost every moment of the day, this person has been lingering in the deepest caverns of my head and mind.

At first the thoughts were subliminal, like little wisps of pleasant breeze on a hot day. Later it became the sunshine of my days.

Not that any of this was the fault of the person. She did not do anything out of the ordinary. She was just who she was. The thing was that this lonely heart just seemed to be attracted beyond reason towards this person. How? I don't know. Guess falling in love really does take an unplanned dive.

I have tried thinking about other things, focusing on other people, objects, games, even submerging myself with work. But the thought never left the mind. It manifested. It took control.

Now I am unsure of what I should do now. Seriously. A feeling this deep has never existed. Even my previous one never invoked this much stress, this much thought. I am honestly clueless of my next move.

But things happen. And I feel that the best way forward is to move forward. I tell myself that actions must be taken, but I am scared. Insecure. Fearful.

Fearful that I might hurt this individual.
Scared that I might burden this innocent soul.
Afraid that I might not perform the best that a person should perform.
Unsure that I should do this.
Not confident that this is the right way of doing things.
Afraid that my actions might hurt not only her, but also some friends of hers, if any.

But I guess not trying is not right either. Right?

What should I Do??? @.@ T.T

The Problem.

The problem with me is that I have very little demands.

I don't ask for clothes. I don't ask for toys. I don't ask for anything often. It might seem like a good thing, learning to live with less and stuff, but it also means you don't know how to ask for when you reach a point when you want something...

And that brings me to the point. I want something.

I want something that might not be intended for me.

I want something that does not belong to me.

I want something, that probably I cannot have in my entire life.

And that, is a big problem for a small kid.

Why do I want it? I don't know. But I cannot live without it. I think...

Family.

Okay, up to speed.

Primary School: SK Galing.
Secondary School: SMK Sultan Abu Bakar.

College: Taylor's University.

Life has been good generally. Although looking back from where I stand now, I do somehow regret to a certain extent much of the time in primary and secondary school. Nothing adverse went wrong there, it's just that I wished I had spent more time with the friends I had then. I feel slightly detached now from them. Too bad for me, I guess.

College has been better. Well actually, University. I only spent about a month in college. [hehehehe]. Ok, back to the story...
A few months before college, I went to PLKN. First batch in January, to a camp in Sepang. I had an epic and awesome time there. One more thing I learnt was that being included in a group need not be only because you 'knew' each other or had similarities, you could even compile yourselves into a "family". I might sound like an idiot but the idea caught hold in my mind.

I don't know why then. Maybe because I "kekurangan cinto" (-Valery XD), but this organisation of a second family away from home made me feel whole, albeit better.

When I left National Service, I realized and experienced-first hand the pain of separation from the people that you had lived with so closely for the past two months. It might have only been two months, but it has thought me that even within that short period of time, we could create bonds that would last much longer.

Uni life started in July 2010. Just like the first day of school, we will encounter new people, unfamiliar faces and adversely different environments. As things got sorted out and life settled down, someone suggested that we form a "Taylor's Family". Kiddish as it may seem, it became a very large vector in my life and my daily decisions. So much so that it will affect my life as a whole and also the person that is involved in it, me.

So yes, I gained a second family. So what?

We hung out together. We ate together. We did projects together. We partied together. We also traveled together. But most important of all, we had fun together.

So much was done together that I realized the amount of fun you could have with people. Being a slight nerd-recluse before, this was a change in my lifestyle and well-being. I had never been happier. Or so I thought I could..

Just two weeks ago, the course ended. inevitably we parted ways to return home. From there, I could observe the pain that others were experiencing during this moment of separation. I call myself slightly more resilient as I had experienced this before and was more prepared for it. We all knew that Degree was to start in a month and a half, but seeing people off for the first time was sort of new, and some could not handle it as well as it could be.

So today, I sit behind my new lappie. Well, not exactly new but kinda new-ish. Plus today, I reformatted this into a monster.

I think I may be doing this to keep my mind off something I don't want to think about often. The thought ain't bad in any way. It's just that... well... you could say that my life is being turned upside down by something I have never experienced in full force before.

Lets leave it at that for today, shall we?

Inception

*Sigh*

I guess this is the first time I am writing a blog.

Yes, I know. I might be extremely outdated and such. Honestly I am still asking why I decided to start blogging TODAY, NOW. I am not sure, but something tells me that today is the day that I should do something. XD

Basically life up to now has been much of a roller-coaster ride of sorts. And although it might sound like a cliche, it just properly sums up my life.
There has been happy times, freaky times, joyous times, and recently, some sad times.

Why the sudden influx of sad times, I just can't pin-point the pain yet. That requires some more introspection to identify. So in short, I'm doing fine. But I don't like it at "just fine".

Something is missing. But owh well, nothing is perfect right?