The joys and sorrows of living alone.

Alone: Freedom. Independence. Autonomy. Limitless. Boundless. Free.

When I talk about living alone, I mean living the life of a single, unattached individual without a permanent relationship with a significant other in some way or another.
The fact is that we are never actually alone. We will always be in the presence of another individual or being no matter what time or space.
May it be our friends, family, teachers, students, colleagues, enemies, pets, pests, imaginary friends, higher beings, supernatural existences, and even God: Never once are we actually alone.

Unfortunately, not all of us are the same. Some only require the presence of family to feel whole. Some have the pleasure of having friends filling the gaps in the soul. Others have pets to comfort them. Then the rest rely on faith to reach a peace of mind.

Me on the other hand, have managed to survive on all the above for the total amount of time that I have been alive. Reliant on other entities to make the self become whole.
So far, it has worked. But there is a problem.
If I need guidance in terms of life decisions, finance, morals and other knowledge that can only be gained through hundreds of years of experience, I can turn to my family. (Of which I shall be entirely indebted forever)
If I need guidance in terms of daily decisions, minor preferences, current issues, work and daily life, I have my friends. (And I thank them for being the best they are.)
If I need something to actively and physically communicate with for a while, I can get a pet.
If I need some guidance in terms of the future, I might be able to turn to my faith.

But what happens if I have personal needs and problems. Where do I go for that?
I can't bear to burden my family and make them worry for my personal issues and state of mind.
I definitely do not want to involve friends in my personal faults and discord.
A pet won't understand.
Which only leaves God to do all the work of listening to all my whining. Which is not right.

This seems to only strengthen my need to find someone who understands me enough for me to release myself as a whole and without any cover of any sort.
Someone other than my Mum or Dad, who is willing to listen to my whining and fretting, yet does not worry so much that it makes me worry back of them.
Someone who understands that I am not perfect, yet strives to make my life complete.
Someone who I can depend on to be there when others cannot.

I know I can. No matter who it is.
No matter when.
No matter what.
I'll be there.

But can you? And where are you? How can I find you?

Or have I already found you? And you are already just underneath my nose...



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Little insecurities

Myth: Being around happy people will always make you feel happy.

DEAD WRONG.

Maybe it's because I am deeply and truly demented.
Maybe it's because I am wired differently and see a different perspective compared to the rest.
Maybe it's just because I wasn't installed with a "happy" software plug-in.

But whatever it is, I ain't happy right now. And it's because I am with some perceptually happy people.
The problem is that when I see happy people, I tend to do reflect on myself and wonder, why am I not in that happy position. Why am I not enjoying the joy that I am looking at now. It puzzles me that my lump of electrically conducive fat within the calcium shell is able to compute these types of analysis of sorts. Not a very good thing for any regular person...
It seems that this mind likes to tilt towards a slightly darker tone of depression without much coaxing. It's almost automatic. Not that it is entirely a bad thing or anything, but dark corners seem to be the destination that the nugget wants to gravitate towards.

HAihz...

It makes me feel insecure, unsteady in footing. It makes me feel incomplete, defective, inadequate. It causes me to doubt myself, trust myself less.
Not only does it damage self-imagery, but it also hurts morale.
All those negative thoughts, all those bleak ideas, all those conflicting mindsets. They do take a toll. But they are containable, thanks largely to this deposit of sedimentary depression.

I just wonder is my condition considered chronic? Whether it is even considered a disease or a disorder? Can it kill me? Will it kill me? When? How?

It's just me. Back to work.

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Gratitude.

This letter serves as my complete release of all the expressions of gratitude and thanks. Well, complete as in "as much as I can pour until I run out of ideas of expressing it".

It is not everyday that you meet another soul that connects to the heart.
And when you do eventually find one, you must with all your strength and capabilities keep them close to you and never lose them.

Fortunately I have found a few, and this very individual is none other than the above.

I am really glad that I met this pretty little angel. Someone that understands me without the mask. Someone who accepts me as who I am. Someone who can make me feel at ease around: Both around herself and also in my own perception of me.
There seems to be no barrier in between, even as our ages vary by almost 5 months. A year in effect, but mathematically 5 months and 5 days my senior.

Today I even had the gracious pleasure of meeting her family. And I have to say, the lot is a wonderful company to be around.
Cheerful, gracious, welcoming, warm, courteous... all these words seem to fall short of expressing thoroughly the true nature of these individuals. As personalities, you could not ask for more. As a family, no fault could be identified. As members of the society, nothing could be more perfect.

To be frank, feeling inferior around them in terms of self-reflection is almost as automatic as a rusty screw bouncing into a jeweler's shop. But they make you feel so welcome, almost like they brought heaven itself to Earth. Uncanny, but seriously, you need to experience it yourself to understand the true beauty of this family.

Back to the angel. I must make a note to myself that this is one person that I must not let go no matter what.
I have seen the fragile side of this soul, and I must strive to protect and preserve the luster of this jewel. Because there is much of a future that lies in wait for this fortunate being. And that it would be a waste to let the world in general not receive the blessing of this talented soul.

I guess I have to really devise new and intuitive ways of repaying this person. "Thank you" just doesn't cut it anymore....



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Reincarnation

*Opens eyes*...
...
*Breathes in heavily*
...
"I'm AliVe!!!"

I'm back, incredibly...
Unscathed from the dungeons of fatigue.
Unharmed from the thorns of burden.
Untouched from the flames of defeat.
And I am back for more!

Yes. It is time again to plunge into the life of an architecture student. A life where sleep brings no meaning and rest means nothing to progress. A life where a single line can mean the difference between a solid configuration and a pointless formation.
It is time again to re immerse the self in the life and times of a collegiate student. A life of fun, friends and fury. A life with ups and downs, blacks and whites, opposing perspectives and radical notions.

Life is great. Don't you think so?

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White flag.

I surrender.

My body has submitted to the strains and fatigue of education.

Two weeks ago, my mental health has degraded from normal to a floating state between migraine and acute headaches. It started with the apex of pain occurring according to the solar patterns of the day. Its later developments saw it being prolonged to a point probably four days ago where it lasted throughout the day. Medication has not helped me an inch and neither has rest. Although I have to admit, I have not been sleeping well, being worried with assignments and with my in-built insomnia disorder.
Monday saw my neurotism hitting an all time low. Hallucinations occurred and paranoia caused me to do a double-take on whatever I did.
Now, I no longer can hold my technical pens properly. My muscles ache all over and my bones are in pain.
I also think that my vision is blurring in dimly lit regions. Observational skills have deteriorated and basic arithmetical abilities are close to nil.
Now, my nose bleeds, my throat is inflamed and loaded with phlegm. I have a headache, and cannot think straight. I am also immensely fatigued.

I don't think I can attend classes normally anymore. Neither can I wake up whenever I want to. At least for this week.
I should let my body decide then. For I need it to be at the best state of health to resume battle with architecture.

All I see in my near future is nothing but the point blank stare of suffering and bleakness.

A very large apology to all my friends and family. And to my lecturers, peers and associates.

Signing out,
LEONG YAU SOON.

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Sometimes, it is a good thing to let other people into your life.

It may take some guts, lots of trust, and some faith.
But the trouble is always worth it. Because now you are less lonely by one person in your lifetime.

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The successor to life.

It shall be said that when we leave this Earth, all we leave behind is the name, and any memories that are attached to it.
Although I strive to always plant great memories of myself into your hearts, only time will tell if I had succeeded or otherwise.
. . .
Until then, we can only wish that we achieve a happy ending for ourselves, something that seems so far a way for this humble soul at the moment.
How this soul has come to be so affected by you is beyond his comprehension, for if he did understand, he might be able to cope with it better. Unfortunately, none is such true.
And with the passing of time the shards of the heart continue to mend. Unknown it is when it will be of whole again.
For this is the way you left me, I'm not pretending. No hope, no love, no glory.
No happy ending.



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