Of twelve.

It has been a long year.

It started off as a regular 366 days. Something I wasn't alien about.
What that started as a period of time that would pass uneventfully has proven me wrong yet again.

Very wrong.

Looking back, its easy to see all the hurdles that I have managed to climb.The hills I have scaled, the pits I have emerged from.
To say the least, 2012 has been pretty turbulent.
Then this year will go down the tubes as a tough one right?

Its not that simple. You should know that.

Reflecting back I have regrets within me that I may never be able to repair.
Of times that I did not give my best, didn't try hard enough, didn't do what I was told.
Didn't push the boundaries enough, pushed it too hard;
Played too safely, didn't play hard enough.
Took too many risks, never leapt high enough.
Didn't take the time to do/say something, said too much.

Of the people I did not thank enough, thank you for whatever you have done. I realise it might be a little too late, but time has passed, and sometimes I am imperfect.
Of the people that I did not have the opportunity to say goodbye, I wish you the best of your journey. May what befalls you be of the better kind. I might not have been there to see you go, but rest assured that I will remember you always.
Of the people that I have inadvertently/purposely insulted/angered/hurt, I offer my sincerest apologies. I am but an imperfect soul. I will have to deal with my evils sooner or later, and they will probably hurt me more than I have hurt you. Sometimes I may go over the limit. I admit that I may be brash quite often, but most of it comes without any evil intent or permanent grudges of that sort. I hope you may forgive me. I don't expect it to happen, and I don't blame you. But at least know that I am sorry.
Of the people that I have unfortunately let go and lose touch, I still do remember you. I am getting old, but that is not the excuse. Times have not been kind to me, and I have let myself be overwhelmed by my personal faults and disabilities. If time and fate permits, we shall meet again. But until then, have a safe journey.Of the people that have sacrificed their resources, time and energy to aid me in whatever endeavour that I attempted in, I thank you for your dedication. I may never get the chance to repay the debt, not return the kindness, but at least let me know when you need me. I will try my best to help.Of the people that I have tried to help, but failed miserably in small or large portions, I hope you don't hold anything against me. I meant well. I hope you succeed in whatever you may intend to do for now and in the future.
Of the generalities that I have swept over, and for the lack of specification, I offer some personal messages:

I shall start off with my late uncle.You have always been a joyous figure. One with energy and strength. You always brought a bright shade of colour whenever you were around. Probably its my fault for failing to notice early on. To say that you passing has not affected me would be a complete lie. New year's will not be the same without you around.I hope you are doing well. Please don't worry too much. We will miss you. But I believe we all hope that you may move on with whatever adventure you are embarking on now. Until we meet, rest assured that we will uphold your name with high regard. Rest in peace. Amitābha~


Dear grandmother.
I have always been incapable of thanking you enough. I regret taking things for granted all the time. I regret taking people for granted all the time. For all my life, I have never got the chance to fully appreciate your presence as well as that of my late grandfather. I might have a few silvers of memory for yeh-yeh, but I believe he was an honourable man. I offer my sincerest apologies for any misbehaviour that I have done to you and those around you. I hope you are doing well. May you rest in peace and depart as a free soul, unbound by the chains of time and suffering. Amitābha~

Dear aunt.
Ee has always been an important member of the family. I realise that your passing has greatly affected many people including my mother. I just wished I could do more for you while you were here. Its one of the many mistakes that I have made in my life. May your future journey be a smooth one. I will promise to try and help your children, my cousins, as much as I can. It is the most I can do at the moment. Rest well. Amitābha~


To Wern Yen.Your passing had a deep impact on me. It just came too soon. I offer my greatest apologies to you. For all the times you were there to comfort me, for all the effort you took to understand me, and for all the time, money and energy used to care for this little insignificant selfish soul, there is no repayment that would match up to all you have done. I wished I had spent more time with you when I had the chance. But no. This lazy, unappreciative, hopeless idiot chose to procrastinate. And he paid the price for it. The secrets that we shared shall be engraved in my heart. I will always hold you very dearly in my life from now on always. There has never been a friend that meant so much to me, and yet you became more than that. I may have lost all the messages, and probably misplaced some photographs, but I will always remember your voice. Your presence has always been comforting. Please take care. As we have always stressed and agreed, we are not worthy of each other; both says the other deserves better. And probably all we deserved was each other.I will miss you. I hope not. But I will. Rest in eternal peace. Amitābha~

To my loving parents.I realise you have sacrificed a great deal. I know this year was as hard to you as it was for me, if not harder. We each lost a dear member of our lives, and the challenges we faced are great and monumental. I always hold both of you in great respect. You never seem to complain about how evil life is and how unfair it is to any of you. I will always cherish your loving kindness. I may not know how to fully appreciate your efforts yet, and I may never ever know, but in my heart I will always love the both of you. Nothing will ever change that.


To my brother.I am sorry for being selfish. I am sorry that I have always been a selfish brother. Do what you must, I will understand. But I wish you the best in whatever you do from now on. Life awaits you and your limitless potential.


To my friends.I may be a douche and a brat. A rebel and a risk-taker. A selfish craphead and a scary dictator. A lousy housemate, a reckless taxi driver, and a slow project mate. Please accept apologies for my imperfection. Help me be a better person in 13. I promise I will try and listen. If I don't, smack me in the head. I may as well deserve it.PK, I apologise for being a complete bastard. I also apologise for not being open minded enough. SP, I apologise for calling you an unloyal creep. MQ I apologise for insulting you countless times, I still hope we can travel together. SY, I am sorry for the countless times I have caused you trouble and heartache. I sincerely regret most of them. BW, I apologise for calling you names too. I do hope the next semester will do you good. KUS, I apologise for the rift dividing us, for that is my doing. Distance does make the heart grow fonder. Z, I apologise for the countless times I have made a fool out of you. I hope you do improve yourself though. Garlic, I apologise for leaking some of the secrets you made me promise to keep. I will defend this biggest secret with my life though.
Dear rabbit.This few months have been awesome. I hope it does last though. But I have faint belief that as with the above, you may actually deserve more than me. We may disagree upon many things, and we are both almost equally stubborn in each of our own way. But in all the quarrels that we may have had, I will never blame you entirely. I am sorry for being an idiot. Promise me we shall never ever be less than great friends. No limits above that. Thank you very much for lighting up my life when I needed it most. This fourth serving of ice cream has been sweet indeed. Albeit a little too pink.

But I am still thankful.
Thankful that I have survived this far.Thankful that I have a roof above my head, clothes on my back, and a family around the corner.Thankful for all the great friends I have around me.Thankful for all the possibilities that life has presented to me.Thankful for the opportunities that my parents have given to me.Thankful for my well being, and that of most of my peers.Thankful for the great things that have happened.Thankful that the bad things that happened has not broken me.
As such I shall forgive everything and everyone that has done anything unto me, both intentionally and not, which includes the dude that took my car. Something I am immensely thankful to get back in one piece. Which I have to partly thank the police force too for their efforts and efficiency. Thanks!

To everyone out there reading this or not, I wish you the best of luck in your resolutions, hopes and dreams.Never lose hope no matter what you are doing. May good things come to you. No matter who you are, what you are doing, and however you have managed to reach this enclave of submission.


Looking back. 2012 has been an eventful year.
In chronological order, if I may remember:A long break, a lot learnt; a great trip with a friend and two teachers, an amazing experience; an interesting start to the semester, a diverse mix of lecturers; the passing of three noble souls; a relatively smooth semester, a fulfilling break; a smooth transition between semesters; a start of a new chapter; the passing of yet another light; the indentation of mobility; a new experience in life; an unexpected recurrence of immobility, and the eventual return; a magical day with a special date and time, and the ending of a massive year.
Time flies. People change.


What's next?
People say only time will tell. But it is for us to decide what path we choose.


May yours be the best you wanted.

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Of an empty feeling.

Its been a wretched semester.

The winds have decided my time has come.
And take mine it did. And more of it has gone.

On Wednesday my car has gone. Disappeared.
Left me for a destination I shall never know.

Among a long list of unfortunates. A long year of distress.

I wonder when will it end.

Cleaning the dusty room

Hi.

Its been a while. You don't say.

Its past six months. Yes I do realize I missed yet another appointment. And Yes, I am disappointed in myself.
I still remember your voice. The presence of you when I fear life. When I fear failure.
I still remember your face. The times you were there when I was not.
I miss your laugh. I really do.

Rest in peace. You should move on. I should move on.
But moving on is hard when you feel the guilt of letting your past go.
Guilt of not having the guts to say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Guilt of not having the guts to fulfill the promise, and promise the fulfilled.
I ask you permission, to let you go. To let you fly free. To let the past be the past.
To release you from my heart. And to release my heart from your shadow.
I will keep just a frame of you, and all the things you have taught me.
For for a while, you were but my lantern in the woods, a raft in the seas.
And you have shown me that I need to be strong. I need to be me.
And that I never got an opportunity to thank you enough.

Time has passed. In one way or another.
The season has changed. And spring has to be let in yet again.
When the rain came, the umbrella went up. Now that the clouds has cleared, it must come down again.

If you don't decide to do something today, tomorrow will be the same thing again.

Back to reality.

The tenth of the tenth of the twelfth.
Remember this date as if you lost something you never forgot.

My fourth serving of dessert has arrived.
Not that I ordered dessert. But this one walked into my life. Seriously.
I can't say that I am complaining. I ain't a liar. Not that I want to be.

It just so occurred to someone that a good outcome could come out of this. And I am thankful.

I am a blessed soul, for my newest scoop of sundae shall be that of a reminder.
A reminder that I can function not as a whole, but also as a half.
A reminder that things should not be forced, and that when it fits, it fits.
A reminder that you can change your perceptions of things when things happen.
A reminder that a full person has an additional reason to fight for his life.
A reminder that I can be truly happy again.

But you have to take care.

Thou shalt not ignore this bowl of ice cream, lest the ice cream melts.
Thou shalt not belittle this bowl of ice cream, lest the cream become sour.
Thou shalt not take advantage of this ice cream, lest thy respect tainted thee.
Thou shalt make the most of this ice cream, lest it be wasted.
Thou shalt make the best out of this ice cream, as it be rare to receive such.
Thou shalt be honest with this bowl of ice cream, lest it be a lie.
Thou shalt be thankful of this bowl of ice cream, lest the ice finishes.
Thou shalt be caring of this bowl of ice cream, lest it feel less than it should.
Thou shalt teach this bowl of ice cream, lest a departure beckons and a footprint not exist.
Thou needs to make sure that ice cream is taken care of, with the best efforts of thee.
Thou needs to make sure that the interests of ice cream is preserved, even at the cost of the interests of thee.
Thou needs to make sure that ice cream is happy, for that is the reason ice cream has been served.
Thou needs to make sure that ice cream is treated as if it were to be the last serving you shall ever receive.
And lastly, no two scoops of ice cream at a time, lest the cone splinters and thee is left with none.

Be thankful. Yes. And be glad.

Enough about myself. More onto people around me.

A late relative has left for the sunset nirvana. May her soul be blessed and her spirit taken care of.
You have been an inspirational part of my life. I will do my part to help those that are still in this consciousness, and to ensure that you may leave at ease, if it is the least I can do.

I should thank my family for being strong and supportive for me and each other until now. Such is the dynamics of a family that loves each other. I apologize for not being in proximity for the majority of the year. My selfishness of an educational pursuit has deprived you of finances and the presence of a son. I know you won't blame me and such, but I shall state here that I really do want to be home, as much as I sometimes deny it verbally like I do.

To my friends, thank you for being an inspiration, and as a partner through time. You lot here has been very life changing to say the least.

I may complain, and shit about life. But if time is given for this shell to bloom, the flowers of the soul shall be as dear as you seek it to be. I lie to myself very often.
My only defense is that the heart is untouched. Scarred it may be, but not tainted by my inadequate mind.

Life beckons me to continue. And I shall heed the call.

See you again, dusty dorm. Another day in my harrowed life of a soul.

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Rememberence.

It's your birthday again. =D

Yes I haven't forgotten. Don't even expect me to forget in the near future. Never will I forget.
But then again this evil vessel of mine never seems to agree with anything I intend or plan.

Its sad you had to leave us so soon. So much had we to show you in the coming times.

I miss you. I really do.


Ok. Back to the present.
Ive been sick for the past week. Probably my body wants a rest and maybe it misses you too.
Bloody migraine + Headache + Fever + Sore throat + phlegm..... =.=
Good for the brain to enter hyper-mode, but sucky for the body to do anything at all.

But I can't complain can I? I still can pull through. I still can speak. I still can breathe.

Good news is it looks like I'm getting better. On your birthday. Coincidence? Maybe. I shall count myself as blessed. I will make the best out of what I get. I promise.

Life is unfair and unjust sometimes. You never get what you expect. But then again, you should never expect the stupid. Life will and will throw lemons and watermelons and durians and leeks at you. You can't just expect life to blow wind on your face everyday.

Times has changed yet again. My history is being questioned. My past examined. My powers tested. My capabilities stretched and twisted.

But life must still go on. Somehow. Somewhere. Somewhat.

Oh yea. My camera is called Hikari now. I wanted to wait till I get a D700 or my final last camera to name it the guardian of light, but then again I thought, I could just call the one I have now that. Just so you know. XDD

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After the sun sets.

Always take every opportunity you got to tell all the people you love that you love them; because you will never know when it's too late till it passes you.

On the day before, my life was turned on its heels and head. A passing of a great individual and a very lovable person shall be remembered. On the 14th of April 2012, I was informed that the dearest Wernyen left the mortal realm for a hopefully better place.

Time shall have it's way again. It reminds us mortals that life is incessantly full of surprises and upheavals. We can never control everything. And sometimes anything at all. Such is the way of life.


Dear wern yen, I hope you can read this.
I am using this keyboard because my mind is currently incapable of sentencing out my feelings and thoughts properly. I hope I can get a message out to you somehow. But I am sure any attempts shall be futile.
I regret as much as I can possibly regret.
Of the opportunities and chances to spend time with you and your presence. Of the times we chatted till the wee hours of the morning. Of the unending conversations that I killed due to fatigue and ignorance. Of the times we could have spent but decided not to due to improper decision making.
But regretting now is useless. Because what has done has passed, and what has passed is done for.
Thank you for being such an important part of my life.
Thank you for helping me during the hardest part of my days and the darkest times of my life.
Thank you for being there when others did not try.
Thank you for the heart that you mended, that the tears that you stemmed and the sunshine that you brought. For the new horizon that you showed. For the perspective that you exposed.
Thank you for the motivation. The spirit of strength that you displayed and the resilience that you exemplified.

My life is forever changed because of you. And nothing shall change that for whatever that may come.

My photography is partly inspired by you. And so is my style of writing. You taught me to write from my heart. And this is my heart to you.

Loving you might be the best thing that I could have done. But never could it be enough nor whatever you would deserve. You were my friend, my sister, my dearest, my partner. My counselor, my motivator, my guru and my teacher. You were my sunshine. You were the reason I stopped emo-ing. And yet you'll be the one that re-started the culture.

But I promise that I shall be strong. As you said, there is no reason to stay sad. Being sad does relieve all the stresses and tension in the heart. But staying in that state neither helps nor heals.
We need to move on. Learn. Change. Adapt. Understand. Accept. Continue.

In a few hours I shall go and visit you for the last time probably. I shall miss you dearly. You left so soon...

Thank you dear for being the person that I needed so much. Sorry for not being the person you needed back in return. I just hope that wherever you are, may it be better for you than where you were before.

I miss you already.

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The way things are.

Sometimes we are happy, sometimes we are sad.

Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes we fail.

Sometimes good things happen. Sometimes bad.

That is the way things are.

So this weekend, we have a wedding of a cousin. And the sickness of an uncle.

To the cousin, may you live happy for as long as God permits.

To the uncle, stay strong. Our hearts are with you.

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The return.

Welcome back.

You've learnt a few things this holiday.
Some large, others insignificant.

First I would like to start of with my birthday, or lack thereof.

Yayy to me for turning 20! \o/
You're entering your second decade alive now.
It's time to increase the expectations everyone holds onto you.
Double the burden you are supposed to handle.
Triple your responsibility.
You are now expected to be more mature.
Take charge of things you never could handle before.
Understand new things never learnt.
And perform better nonetheless.

You are no longer expected to out-perform your siblings and rivals. Instead it is what we expect of you.
Little events that mean a lot to you should be of little significance from now onward.
You need to focus on things that will carry you through life.
Enjoyment shall be demoted down into the deepest realms of priority. Your studies, success, job and integral human nature should be in focus right not and improved upon.
What you want shall be second to what people expect you want. What they want from you of course is higher. Failure to meet these expectations shall result in your self being labelled as a failure both personally and publicly.

The terms and conditions of life is hard.
And the victims are infinite.

But then we are expected to handle it like a man.... they say.
Oh how I wish I was a girl sometimes.


I'll be honest. I'm not so fine when your parents forget your birthday.
You do get a little.... disappointed.

It's also kinda sad that for the past birthdays excluding the most recent previous one (19), you even had to plan your own birthday beforehand.
I know I don't demand much. In fact, I haven't demanded anything in particular until I graduated from Form 5. Everything I received was offered in advance, with an option to receive it or decline.
A third of them has been declined.
And yet, my expectations have always been low.

And never met.

Oh well. Life goes on......

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Bunnies Begone

My, my.... a year goes by so fast.

Bunnies year shall end tonight. And I think I should usher in the year of the dragon.

Maybe this fiery year shall bring me more luck than the docile petting toy of 2011.

*sigh*

I need guts.