Still holding on... to what?

It's the holidays again. *sigh*

It's been a while since this site has had any updates, and thus, this post shall be labelled as long due.
Now is a perfect time to reflect on the developments that have occurred in the last 4 weeks since the initiation of degree life.

The lecturer's this time round have been awesome. Even in the subjects that have been labelled as "insanely tough" by seniors and classmates alike have been kind to me.
Its perfectly understandable that some of them might have difficulties in the subject though, not everything has been straightforward. But at least the lecturers are facilitating in helping students understand the problem better, and not otherwise.
The workload is rapidly piling up, no excuses there. However, it does not bother me much as I am doing what I truly want to do.

New friends have been made, old friends have been lost. Those welcomed into my twisted life so far have been very supportive and understanding: Further increasing my desire to prevent them from being hurt by my actions.

Guess I have to learn how to treat them better.
Some have moved away or left behind. I will always try to keep in touch, but until now, I have not been a good person to do that well. Guess I have to learn that up too.

In short, my University life has been all green and smooth sailing.

But that hasn't stopped me from being hurt by past injuries.

Realizing that all hope is lost is not a realization that anyone can handle, this soul included.
For some reason, a minute vein in the pump still holds on to the unseen hope that does not seem to exist to the mind. And small it may seem, it probably is the only glimmer in the darkness at the moment.
Unfathomable by others, and immature it may be. I have much to learn, I know.
How, is a question I have always been asking myself, and the answer is yet to be seen.

Guess there is much more in life to be learnt.

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Poetic Interpretations of a Broken Heart.

Heart broken, love at loss;

Life goes by, slow like moss.

The mind be pro, like a boss;

But the soul, still be lost.

Heart lost, insanity rife;

Hope I find, somebody nice.

Needs a girl, in his life;

Someone to hold, that's not a knife.

People say, single be free;

Don't know what its like to be me.

Happy yes, even glee;

But only loneliness is all I see.

A shoulder to lean on, when they have left;

A hand to hold, when all by myself.
An ear to listen, not someone deaf;

A heart to trust, even life and death.

Tonight I stand, all alone;

Wishing that, I had never known.

The beauty of love, the feelings shown;
To be a person, where passion had grown.

So let it be, I tell the world;

There's more to life, than finding a girl.
Probably life can be said, to be a pearl;

Layer by layer, slow to unfurl.

Hell beckons, heaven calls;

Time to visit dreamland halls.

Sleep sound, let it fall;

Stare into the crystal ball.

I think of you, I cannot forget;

The curse you set, the day we met.

Dammed you, you crazy pet;

You made me want something, I cannot get.

Exhausted and Disappointed.

The last few weeks has been harsh on my body, and my mind.

Not only have I have less and less time to do the things that I want to do; such as watching movies, taking walks, playing games and such, I have even lost time for essential stuff such as sleep and meals.

If this keeps going on, I might not survive to live till 100.

But however, I am fortunate to have friends that support me in my pursuit of whatever I am chasing:
It is these friends who make my life worthwhile.
The sheer reason I put up with this mortal suffering.

The reason I wake up everyday.
The reason why I never give up.

So at this moment, I am thankful of my friends.

Now for my other prevalent issue.
I regret to a certain extent towards the self that I reside in.

Not because it contains imperfections of the human condition; That I can adapt and improve with time, patience and persistence.
It is the complications that I have failed to understand until this day.
The myriad of intertwined layers that challenges those who try to peel it.

The shell that protects the true self, unperturbed by any force that seeks to know its contents.

Sometimes I wonder, does anyone else have this difficulty in realizing the true self of oneself.
Or is it just me and my lack of knowledge of me.

Guess I know a lot about the world for a reason, because I have never actually spent time looking at myself and putting effort into knowing who I really am...

Too bad.

You know me more than I do.

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Barely Hanging On.

My dreams have been getting worse lately.
Every night I am thrust into scenarios, where my sanity is questionable. in the realm of imagination, I watched the two of them having the time of their lives.
The details are vivid as my mind is one of the high imaginative type, able to visualize things in utmost detail and realism. In architecture, this mind carries much potential and power; because being able to mentally create space and form in an instant of a neuron spark is incredibly beneficial.
Unfortunately, it means that if my mind goes out of whack, it is that much easier to lose my sanity.

So there I am, on the sidelines, unable to move due to an unseen binding power, forced to stare at the scene happening before me.

The voice in my head tempts me to destroy what I see. But my conscience rises above temptation and I refrain from doing anything destructive.
So I bear the pain and heartache.
But I do question how much longer can I refrain myself.

I worry that what happens in my dream may happen in reality.
It might already have happened. But I cannot tell the difference. Which is disturbing as the thick border between reality and imagination is fading at such a speed, I may no longer know the difference.
To be honest, knowing about something that hurts you is one thing. Seeing with your own eyes is another different thing of another different level. Having it repeated in your mind, with a magnified and exaggerated form, in Full-HD and surround sound realism, and never knowing when it will end, is different beyond imagination.
How I scraped out of last night is unthinkable. How I might survive the nights to come is less thinkable, believable nor imaginable.
Both ways, the heart is breaking apart. You might not see it, as I have mastered to a certain extent to mask the effects of pain. I however expect it to boil over soon, and leak out of the shell of disclosure. It no longer is a matter of IF, but a question of WHEN.

And I hope that whenever it does come to the stage when I no longer can hold it in, that none of those souls that linger around me, shall suffer the consequences of my boundless pain. Especially those two.

So, with the little conscience that I may have left, I shall state my stand to this very day:

>I shall help a friend in need, at whatever the cost, if the need shall be necessary.
>I shall not expect help for my needs, as you can never read my mind.

>I will never leave anyone behind, unless it is impossible to be included. -Ohana-

>I will not trouble a friend with personal qualms, it the problem lies within me.
>The burden of the self shall be carried only by the self, and no one else.
>I shall not interfere with the happiness and joy of others, at the expense of the self.
>I shall make my presence around all of you as normal as I can be, and leave no trace of my own disruptions, at whatever the cost.

>What is mine can be shared to those who deserves it.
>What is yours, I shall not take unless you offer it to me, and that I deserve it.
>I shall be happy with your happiness. But you should not be sad with me.
>I shall be loyal to my cause, but shall amend it if it is appropriate.

I should probably immerse or drown myself in work.
Possibly that might help.

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