It's been a while. Hello there again...
Today I sit before Peggy, my most loyal and unfaltering friend. One that has yet to speak to me at her own accord, one that is entitled to holidays every semester break.
I will preserve your operability as far as I can possibly extend it. Maybe you will be sidekick for the next semester, doing media instead of proper chip-breaking work. We'll see how things goes. XDD
Firstly let me get some things off my chest.
I am extremely grateful that my life at the moment is as blissful as ever. Not that it is perfect, and gratefully so too. I fear of the perfection. Because it means there is nothing else to be done. And that certainty scares me.
Now, to start of, I need to extend some feelings to my parents. For always being there, for always being patient and understanding.
Of the times when people were judgemental, when people were brash, when people were skeptical. For when difficult times dawn, or when challenging obstacles arrived. When people were not being reliable, when responsibilities were not met. You stood strong. You always were. Great going there.
To friends near and far, it has been a great journey so far, and a great one coming. I have learnt a lot since the dawn of the days, and the sights of the nights.
I miss you, Hikari. I still do. I have moved on, but I still miss you. Hope you are still doing well.
Dear BB, it was an amazing time we had. But maybe it wasn't what it was destined to be. I look forward to what happens, as I hope you have gained a lot. Dear Hamster, you and I are a little special. It might seem like a whole lot of similarities, but we both know that it probably will never happen. Your poison is extremely potent, I must say. Hope to get hit again. Soon. Dear Beutiful, your efforts have not gone unseen, and your heart has not gone unvalued. I wish that it could possibly be more, but neither has any idea of where to go.
My short semester was great, to say the least. The work was enlightening, the experience, invaluable. The hours were a pain and the commute there, dreadful to say the nicest. Dear AHTArchitect, thank you for all the wonderful experiences that I had while working. You have been a great gift the field of Architecture.
Now, to colour my hair blue. And to run away from this country. For a while. XDD
I'll be back.
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Sunday, March 16, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Forever 21
Alas, another trip around the sun has passed.
This year shall go down as one of the most turbulent years so far. A year of many events, and many changes.
Much has stayed the same, don't get me wrong. It's just that a lot more has changed.
The fact is that, as things change, so does the people that experience it. They evolve with the new circumstances, conditions, surroundings, happenings. Man is never still. Even as his body is stagnant, the mind still moves and computes. That is the wonderful thing about life.
I have gained new experiences. New friends. New insight. New methods of thinking. New things to think about.
New skills have been learnt. New places travelled. New mindsets pondered. New targets achieved.
New foods tried. New practises trialed.
And where there is gain, there shall be loss.
I have lost a dear cousin. May you rest in peace.
Friendships have been lost. Relationships decimated. Companionship anihalated. Time wasted.
Money has been spent. Energy has been burnt. Power exerted. Hope lost.
Food has been eaten. And so too the alcohol. But alas, my weight remains the same.
To everyone around me, I am indefinitely grateful for your presence. You may not know of your significance, but to be honest, nobody can walk this Earth and not leave footprints.
To my parents, thank you for your insurmountable support. You may not express it verbally, but I know deep down, you are always behind my back.
To my course mates, if you ever stalk me, you all have changed me to become the person I yearn to be. Gratitude galore.
To my ex, the learning experience has been bliss. But the ending came too soon. I still feel the pain. I hope you don't.
This year ends with me, in my hometown, listening to rain. My laptop desires for my re-evaluation of the things that matter, and my puppy is teaching me the joys of simple pleasures. Of good food and great company. Of security and serenity. Of being grateful. Of being alive.
Sometimes, you'll never know what's round the corner. Most of the time, you'll never know there was a bend.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Postwar Notebook
I'm back.
In more ways than one. Which might not mean the best though. But you don't know that. Or do you?
First update: Another chapter in my life has ended.
On the 20th of October 2013, I went through another break-up. To most of you, this might seem like a small matter, others might see it like a huge thing.
This, to date, is my longest continued relationship with a significant other. Which is pretty good.
To be honest, I am actually very thankful that you have been a part of my life for this time. But things came to be, and we are not meant to be.
Looking back, this relationship became somewhat poisonous, but lets take it as a learning process and an experience no one other will have just the same.
Thank you dear.
<3 font="">
Next chapter: BERLIN!
Finally, after countless years (I laugh at myself) I finally get to go to Germany! WOHOO!
The land of engineering was much to expectations. Accuracy was impeccable. The people was dead-serious. The sausages were cheap, and the alcohol... wow. Just, wow.
Bauhaus makes more sense when you visit it in person. The little details were thought through in so many layers. Great.
I need to get back there. Somehow. And learn more German.
The people that I was fortunate enough to travel with was also great. Amazing roommates, pleasant travel companions, and expressive photographic subjects. Friendly, adventurous, quirky, cheeky, and really really fun to travel with. A great big shoutout to SABD Activity Week Berlin 2013 Travellers, you guys and gals were the best.
Disappointments: I did not get to Munich. I did not see a BMW dealership, or any for that matter. I did not see a sports shot, and therefore could not get a German football jersey. I didn't get to cycle. I didn't get to drive. I didn't get to meet any locals properly.
Bucket-list is expanding.
Next chapter: Dear Aivern.
Your departure on my return was untimely. But then again life was harsh on you. I cannot actually blame you on that. Not really.
I wish you a safe journey to the other side, and that I wish you are happy there. I wish your parents good health and good fortune, and I hope your brother is well. We will all miss you. You have touched us all with your determination up till now. Please take care.
May the Lord claim your soul. And lead you to a better place. Amen.
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Lastly, of reboot.
My mental state has been erratic lately. The lack of a break is also not helping much. Germany did help though. But Kuala Lumpur is a very harsh place. And it also doesn't help that you still cling to that which you have thrown away. Mixed messages confuse me. Oh well.
Goodnight people. My room is now spotless. Sleep will be awesome. If I can get some.
Honestly, I haven't been getting any since many years ago. I cannot dream. I cannot sleep well. Germany was the closest I could get back into normal sleep. But back here, I guess I shall live a hollowed life.
In more ways than one. Which might not mean the best though. But you don't know that. Or do you?
First update: Another chapter in my life has ended.
On the 20th of October 2013, I went through another break-up. To most of you, this might seem like a small matter, others might see it like a huge thing.
This, to date, is my longest continued relationship with a significant other. Which is pretty good.
To be honest, I am actually very thankful that you have been a part of my life for this time. But things came to be, and we are not meant to be.
Looking back, this relationship became somewhat poisonous, but lets take it as a learning process and an experience no one other will have just the same.
Thank you dear.
<3 font="">
Next chapter: BERLIN!
Finally, after countless years (I laugh at myself) I finally get to go to Germany! WOHOO!
The land of engineering was much to expectations. Accuracy was impeccable. The people was dead-serious. The sausages were cheap, and the alcohol... wow. Just, wow.
Bauhaus makes more sense when you visit it in person. The little details were thought through in so many layers. Great.
I need to get back there. Somehow. And learn more German.
The people that I was fortunate enough to travel with was also great. Amazing roommates, pleasant travel companions, and expressive photographic subjects. Friendly, adventurous, quirky, cheeky, and really really fun to travel with. A great big shoutout to SABD Activity Week Berlin 2013 Travellers, you guys and gals were the best.
Disappointments: I did not get to Munich. I did not see a BMW dealership, or any for that matter. I did not see a sports shot, and therefore could not get a German football jersey. I didn't get to cycle. I didn't get to drive. I didn't get to meet any locals properly.
Bucket-list is expanding.
Next chapter: Dear Aivern.
Your departure on my return was untimely. But then again life was harsh on you. I cannot actually blame you on that. Not really.
I wish you a safe journey to the other side, and that I wish you are happy there. I wish your parents good health and good fortune, and I hope your brother is well. We will all miss you. You have touched us all with your determination up till now. Please take care.
May the Lord claim your soul. And lead you to a better place. Amen.
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Lastly, of reboot.
My mental state has been erratic lately. The lack of a break is also not helping much. Germany did help though. But Kuala Lumpur is a very harsh place. And it also doesn't help that you still cling to that which you have thrown away. Mixed messages confuse me. Oh well.
Goodnight people. My room is now spotless. Sleep will be awesome. If I can get some.
Honestly, I haven't been getting any since many years ago. I cannot dream. I cannot sleep well. Germany was the closest I could get back into normal sleep. But back here, I guess I shall live a hollowed life.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Back to square one.
Why am I not surprised?
I have returned to the world of singular life.
On the 20th. I was somehow or rather "dumped" "again".
Oh well. It was a learning process/journey I guess.
No point complaining really. It might seem like it was going nowhere. I don't know.
One week later... This 'emptiness' is not really my kinda thing.
No subject to pour all my feelings to.
No one to catch you when you fall.
No safety net.
No shoulder.
I suck at this, don't I?
*sigh*
Suck it. Man up, and grow some balls. Life awaits.
I have returned to the world of singular life.
On the 20th. I was somehow or rather "dumped" "again".
Oh well. It was a learning process/journey I guess.
No point complaining really. It might seem like it was going nowhere. I don't know.
One week later... This 'emptiness' is not really my kinda thing.
No subject to pour all my feelings to.
No one to catch you when you fall.
No safety net.
No shoulder.
I suck at this, don't I?
*sigh*
Suck it. Man up, and grow some balls. Life awaits.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Persistence.
Today I drove out to fetch you.
Nothing fancy. Nothing expected.
Just a simple dinner. One that unfolded a million thoughts within the head.
I arrived. On time.
You began ranting about your sleeping patterns.
I listened. It seemed like a monologue. Not because I didn't respond, I never had a chance.
The topic progressed to how frustrating your studio was. This I still could listen: I didn't go to class yesterday. But the rant was familiar. It was the same as two weeks ago.
I can understand that the lecturer repeats her criticism. I can understand that her predictability means that you know what flaws she will point out about your design.
But what I cannot understand is that if you already know the problem, why don't you fix it. Or even try to do so?
Fine.
So you go and see another lecturer. And she gives a positive outlook. Good for you.
I arrive at the mall. We go out. As we stroll past the atrium, I repeat myself: You need to make sure that what you have in your mind is reflected in what you do, say, or draw. It's like you are afraid to express yourself, restraint for unapparent reasons. Whether it is because of a lack of expressive skill, or because you fear realising those concepts have a possibility of bringing undesired results or perceptions, I shall not question. It is no longer my duty.
We decide to eat. Throughout dinner you express your immaturity in interesting methods. Of the uncertainty of selecting a seat, the indecision of choices. Doubtful of your own appetite. Then you complain that it is too hot. Afterwards you regret your decision to chew ice cubes, making your teeth freeze whilst still not helping your 'heated' self. This coming from someone who wanted to dress up for dinner. I silently question your awareness of self. The facade that you show off and the personality that you display. Its disconnection.
I begin to drift. No point in hearing a person who probably is unaware of what she is talking about. Disrespectful it may seem, and I am aware of. But if you don't intend for me to respond, why should I bother to think?
I wonder.
Has being with me taught you anything? Has dealing with this radical kid of insignificant footprint given you any insight into your impact of being?
I persevere because I realise that separation hurts really badly. I don't intend to allow you to go through that pain. Unnecessary. One thing that no human being should go through. One that I have overcome time and time again.
But you? Sometimes I ponder if pain would be a better teacher.
Does the world still revolve around you? You bring your concepts taken from your home town, to a big city. You expect that some things remain the same. Never have you let yourself understand the mindset that an urban community has attained throughout these years. You miss home, I GET IT. But have you considered others? I don't come from here. I also miss my parents. But you still complain month after month.
I persevere.
Do you even realise how much I have sacrificed for you? How much more I am still willing to do for you? Of all the times you are sick, I will call. I will monitor. I will make sure you take steps in taking care of yourself. I know you give up easily, and you let yourself fall often. As much as I try to cushion your demise, you can still bruise yourself.
I leave little for myself. Because sometimes I believe you deserve the assistance. But today you make me think: Has it all been worth it? Has all that amounted to nothing? It was never about the money. Neither was it about the effort, nor the thought. But for all the support I give, I would like some gratitude, at least the idea that all that has amounted to a little "thanks". I have yet to receive a thank-you for then when you accidentally cut your palm. I drove all the way to your apartment, to find out that she has already taken you to the clinic, to which I drove to. Still in my overnight clothes, I accompanied you to brunch while you calmed down, then fetched you back. Life continued as normal. Or so it seemed, like exactly nothing happened.
I ask for very little. I did not ask for money, time or status. All I asked for is a buddy. And even that you are barely eligible. I often feel like I am merely a punching bag for you. A surface to throw your cooped up frustrations and pains collected throughout the day. A mass that you can hurl your weight mercilessly as time goes by. A pillar you can dump load on when other group members become unapproachable, a leader to guide you through the storm. I am fine with most of it. But when the time comes, I need some support too. And since you openly declared you allegiance with me, am I not in a position to receive at least some?
I am tired.
Yesterday. Sickness befall onto me. A headache progressed into a split, accompanied with sore throat, blurred vision, watery eyes, fatigue and coughs. I blame the fog, but over my shoulder, my mum will definitely say it was because of my lack of exercise. I don't deny her. I am a lazy slob.
So I sat in my room. Fending for myself. Many people called, wondering why I was absent in class. Many well wishes were received, none from you. If it wasn't for Iris, you probably wouldn't even speak to me.
Did you even ask if I was feeling better? I might have missed it.
I sometimes program an imagination, to play out the world in my head and see what would happen if I were to die or something. Would it affect you? Would it affect anything? I mean sadness is guaranteed, but after that, would it mean anything to you, my presence or the lack of it.
I return to the car. I parked at the same place as we always did. But you still don't know which exit it is located at. Not that it means anything much, but have I been guiding you so much that you have become oblivious to your surroundings? I have only myself to blame.
You don't need to hear all of this. This is for me.
A reminder that my standards could possibly be flawed. Or that it is being possibly flawed. But from now on, I shall lower it a few notches.
Of how much I deserve, and how much this world needs.
010010010110011000100000011011110110111001101100011110010010000001001010011000010111001001100001011010110010000001110111011000010111001100100000011001100110100101101100011011010110010101100100001000000111011101101001011101000110100000100000011101000110100001100101001000000110111101110100011010000110010101110010001000000110000101100011011101000111001001100101011100110111001100101110
Nothing fancy. Nothing expected.
Just a simple dinner. One that unfolded a million thoughts within the head.
I arrived. On time.
You began ranting about your sleeping patterns.
I listened. It seemed like a monologue. Not because I didn't respond, I never had a chance.
The topic progressed to how frustrating your studio was. This I still could listen: I didn't go to class yesterday. But the rant was familiar. It was the same as two weeks ago.
I can understand that the lecturer repeats her criticism. I can understand that her predictability means that you know what flaws she will point out about your design.
But what I cannot understand is that if you already know the problem, why don't you fix it. Or even try to do so?
Fine.
So you go and see another lecturer. And she gives a positive outlook. Good for you.
I arrive at the mall. We go out. As we stroll past the atrium, I repeat myself: You need to make sure that what you have in your mind is reflected in what you do, say, or draw. It's like you are afraid to express yourself, restraint for unapparent reasons. Whether it is because of a lack of expressive skill, or because you fear realising those concepts have a possibility of bringing undesired results or perceptions, I shall not question. It is no longer my duty.
We decide to eat. Throughout dinner you express your immaturity in interesting methods. Of the uncertainty of selecting a seat, the indecision of choices. Doubtful of your own appetite. Then you complain that it is too hot. Afterwards you regret your decision to chew ice cubes, making your teeth freeze whilst still not helping your 'heated' self. This coming from someone who wanted to dress up for dinner. I silently question your awareness of self. The facade that you show off and the personality that you display. Its disconnection.
I begin to drift. No point in hearing a person who probably is unaware of what she is talking about. Disrespectful it may seem, and I am aware of. But if you don't intend for me to respond, why should I bother to think?
I wonder.
Has being with me taught you anything? Has dealing with this radical kid of insignificant footprint given you any insight into your impact of being?
I persevere because I realise that separation hurts really badly. I don't intend to allow you to go through that pain. Unnecessary. One thing that no human being should go through. One that I have overcome time and time again.
But you? Sometimes I ponder if pain would be a better teacher.
Does the world still revolve around you? You bring your concepts taken from your home town, to a big city. You expect that some things remain the same. Never have you let yourself understand the mindset that an urban community has attained throughout these years. You miss home, I GET IT. But have you considered others? I don't come from here. I also miss my parents. But you still complain month after month.
I persevere.
Do you even realise how much I have sacrificed for you? How much more I am still willing to do for you? Of all the times you are sick, I will call. I will monitor. I will make sure you take steps in taking care of yourself. I know you give up easily, and you let yourself fall often. As much as I try to cushion your demise, you can still bruise yourself.
I leave little for myself. Because sometimes I believe you deserve the assistance. But today you make me think: Has it all been worth it? Has all that amounted to nothing? It was never about the money. Neither was it about the effort, nor the thought. But for all the support I give, I would like some gratitude, at least the idea that all that has amounted to a little "thanks". I have yet to receive a thank-you for then when you accidentally cut your palm. I drove all the way to your apartment, to find out that she has already taken you to the clinic, to which I drove to. Still in my overnight clothes, I accompanied you to brunch while you calmed down, then fetched you back. Life continued as normal. Or so it seemed, like exactly nothing happened.
I ask for very little. I did not ask for money, time or status. All I asked for is a buddy. And even that you are barely eligible. I often feel like I am merely a punching bag for you. A surface to throw your cooped up frustrations and pains collected throughout the day. A mass that you can hurl your weight mercilessly as time goes by. A pillar you can dump load on when other group members become unapproachable, a leader to guide you through the storm. I am fine with most of it. But when the time comes, I need some support too. And since you openly declared you allegiance with me, am I not in a position to receive at least some?
I am tired.
Yesterday. Sickness befall onto me. A headache progressed into a split, accompanied with sore throat, blurred vision, watery eyes, fatigue and coughs. I blame the fog, but over my shoulder, my mum will definitely say it was because of my lack of exercise. I don't deny her. I am a lazy slob.
So I sat in my room. Fending for myself. Many people called, wondering why I was absent in class. Many well wishes were received, none from you. If it wasn't for Iris, you probably wouldn't even speak to me.
Did you even ask if I was feeling better? I might have missed it.
I sometimes program an imagination, to play out the world in my head and see what would happen if I were to die or something. Would it affect you? Would it affect anything? I mean sadness is guaranteed, but after that, would it mean anything to you, my presence or the lack of it.
I return to the car. I parked at the same place as we always did. But you still don't know which exit it is located at. Not that it means anything much, but have I been guiding you so much that you have become oblivious to your surroundings? I have only myself to blame.
You don't need to hear all of this. This is for me.
A reminder that my standards could possibly be flawed. Or that it is being possibly flawed. But from now on, I shall lower it a few notches.
Of how much I deserve, and how much this world needs.
010010010110011000100000011011110110111001101100011110010010000001001010011000010111001001100001011010110010000001110111011000010111001100100000011001100110100101101100011011010110010101100100001000000111011101101001011101000110100000100000011101000110100001100101001000000110111101110100011010000110010101110010001000000110000101100011011101000111001001100101011100110111001100101110
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Unthankful Bastard
Some people are given the best opportunities. Others do not.
Then some just somehow manage to screw it up completely.
Those undeserving little bastards. They never should have been given that privilege.
I admit I am one of them.
I hate myself.
Especially after today.
I have realised, through my great and awesome group of friends, that my soul has been blessed with a lot of good fortune. Some of which today I realise I never should deserve.
For my sake. And for hers.
Time and time again I have to reassure myself: did I do the right thing. Am I doing the right thing.
The fact that I need reassuring also means that I am not confident with myself.
It hurts. And I also believe it will hurt other innocent people.
But I must persevere.
It has been my decision to continue this relationship. Even though the blatant rejection at the convenient moment has allowed me to use the exit clause with ease and proficiency.
But I did not take it.
Regret? Probably not. But then again, a nagging thought has lingered since.
I could. And would it have been better? I would never find out.
Life could have been better, but it could also have been far worse. So I decided against the risk.
I created a new agreement. On balanced terms that I probably failed to explain properly.
And since the new one is based on my words, I shall have to undertake responsibility of withholding it till the end.
Even when it begins to take a toll on my soul. My heart. And my life.
But it is my responsibility.
I realise that in this world, many individuals who have decided to take the short path has left a trail of undesirable effects on the perception of relationships. As a guy, I am quite greatly affected.
I believe this is my chance to prove that not all guys give up that easily. Not all guys are like that.
Some guys can and will sacrifice to preserve a positive relationship even when the walls start to crumble.
Even when there are no benefits left to savour.
Even when there is nothing left to enjoy.
We are not that thin. We can be more than that.
Plus, there is much that she can learn from me.
If it is the last thing I do for her before she leaves me or otherwise, I will ensure that she gains a realisation of her individuality and a backbone for society.
She needs to understand that if she cannot stand on her own, she may never hope to stand as tall as the guy she likes, or with the society she admires.
If she keeps putting herself down, don't expect others to look up onto you.
And the most important thing; that you should never feel guilty about being happy.
It's a tough job. But a job that I must do. As impossible as it may seem.
I have learnt that intelligence is one thing. Resolution and purpose is a whole another.
Before this I was probably looking for the former. Now I realise I prefer the latter.
Unfortunately, when I chose her, I left her friend.
I couldn't tell the difference. But now I realise what a fool I had been.
Now when a dear friend enlightened me to the current state of this nation, I have realised what I am missing out on.
But I shall not regret. I shall not object.
He has seen the truth, the truth that I missed out on.
I wish him the best of luck. And hope that they shall be happy.
Oh how I wish I could turn back time. Before the hour that determined the actress of the movie.
It was a difference of an hour. Nothing more. Nothing less.
But it was that fateful movie that led to the pain that I shall now bear till the end of time.
If only it was the other one.
Would things be the same. Would it be any different.
Such an unthankful bastard I am.
SmFyYWsuIFdoZW4gYWJzZW5jZSBtYWtlcyB0aGUgaGVhcnQgZ3JvdyBmb25kZXIsIGRpc3RhbmNlIG1ha2VzIHRoZSBmZWVsaW5nIGxpbmdlci4=
Then some just somehow manage to screw it up completely.
Those undeserving little bastards. They never should have been given that privilege.
I admit I am one of them.
I hate myself.
Especially after today.
I have realised, through my great and awesome group of friends, that my soul has been blessed with a lot of good fortune. Some of which today I realise I never should deserve.
For my sake. And for hers.
Time and time again I have to reassure myself: did I do the right thing. Am I doing the right thing.
The fact that I need reassuring also means that I am not confident with myself.
It hurts. And I also believe it will hurt other innocent people.
But I must persevere.
It has been my decision to continue this relationship. Even though the blatant rejection at the convenient moment has allowed me to use the exit clause with ease and proficiency.
But I did not take it.
Regret? Probably not. But then again, a nagging thought has lingered since.
I could. And would it have been better? I would never find out.
Life could have been better, but it could also have been far worse. So I decided against the risk.
I created a new agreement. On balanced terms that I probably failed to explain properly.
And since the new one is based on my words, I shall have to undertake responsibility of withholding it till the end.
Even when it begins to take a toll on my soul. My heart. And my life.
But it is my responsibility.
I realise that in this world, many individuals who have decided to take the short path has left a trail of undesirable effects on the perception of relationships. As a guy, I am quite greatly affected.
I believe this is my chance to prove that not all guys give up that easily. Not all guys are like that.
Some guys can and will sacrifice to preserve a positive relationship even when the walls start to crumble.
Even when there are no benefits left to savour.
Even when there is nothing left to enjoy.
We are not that thin. We can be more than that.
Plus, there is much that she can learn from me.
If it is the last thing I do for her before she leaves me or otherwise, I will ensure that she gains a realisation of her individuality and a backbone for society.
She needs to understand that if she cannot stand on her own, she may never hope to stand as tall as the guy she likes, or with the society she admires.
If she keeps putting herself down, don't expect others to look up onto you.
And the most important thing; that you should never feel guilty about being happy.
It's a tough job. But a job that I must do. As impossible as it may seem.
I have learnt that intelligence is one thing. Resolution and purpose is a whole another.
Before this I was probably looking for the former. Now I realise I prefer the latter.
Unfortunately, when I chose her, I left her friend.
I couldn't tell the difference. But now I realise what a fool I had been.
Now when a dear friend enlightened me to the current state of this nation, I have realised what I am missing out on.
But I shall not regret. I shall not object.
He has seen the truth, the truth that I missed out on.
I wish him the best of luck. And hope that they shall be happy.
Oh how I wish I could turn back time. Before the hour that determined the actress of the movie.
It was a difference of an hour. Nothing more. Nothing less.
But it was that fateful movie that led to the pain that I shall now bear till the end of time.
If only it was the other one.
Would things be the same. Would it be any different.
Such an unthankful bastard I am.
SmFyYWsuIFdoZW4gYWJzZW5jZSBtYWtlcyB0aGUgaGVhcnQgZ3JvdyBmb25kZXIsIGRpc3RhbmNlIG1ha2VzIHRoZSBmZWVsaW5nIGxpbmdlci4=
Sunday, April 14, 2013
One Year On.
Time stops for no man.
It is said that a rolling stone gathers no moss. But that person never said the effects of that stone wearing out.
Time and time again we are reminded by the painful nature in which the fourth dimension works.
We need to leave things behind in order to move forward.
We need to let things go to receive new things.
We need to give to take.
We need sacrifices for rewards.
A long road has been trodden to reach this state of mind.
Journey.
Much has been learnt. Experienced.
Hurt.
But the greatest lessons are the ones that burn the soul. Scald the mind.
Imprint.
Of all the souls that have touched me. Few leave a lasting impression.
I am ashamed to state that I am one of those insignificant Toms that only start to appreciate those that have already left. Only see the value when the being has gone. Only see the purpose when the meaning has gone.
When they have already been taken away by time. By life. By death. For eternity.
Time and time again. I need to tell myself often.
Take care.
Not for oneself. Not for others. But for everything you do. And for everything you think you do.
You will never know when opportunity is robbed.
When time is stolen.
When the mind is broken.
But by then it is all but too late.
Dear Hikari,
It's been a year.
I wish you a safe journey, even though you might have completed all there is to be traversed. The humble soul below here knows nothing of your joys or sorrows. Your happiness nor your despair. It shouldn't bother him any more. But unfortunately his curiosity befalls him. And it hurts.
Of the things you have done in this realm, no form of gratitude can repay the surmounting debt. No form of reward can compensate the generous enlightenment. For the saying goes, and eye for and eye; a tooth for a tooth. I life this sinneth life as I may, carrying this debt; a flag that shouts out my misgivings, my debt to you.
Difficult it may look. Painful it may be. But that is the life that I choose, and the life that I shall live by. The dimension where I mourn you eternally, to remind me of my imperfection. That I am but a mortal living in the realm of time. The dimension where I miss you. And remember I will. As much as I am able.
Thank you for accompanying me while you were here. Your assistance is much treasured.
A thousand wishes could not grant me what I would like from you. But then again, none has been bestowed upon this wretched soul. Undeserving.
I can't come to see you this year. And neither do I wish for you to trouble yourself to see me.
But I do hope. And hope is all that I can possibly offer.
Hope, that you are well.
Goodbye sunshine. The moon raised.
The cat bathes in its smile. Its gloom derived.
It is said that a rolling stone gathers no moss. But that person never said the effects of that stone wearing out.
Time and time again we are reminded by the painful nature in which the fourth dimension works.
We need to leave things behind in order to move forward.
We need to let things go to receive new things.
We need to give to take.
We need sacrifices for rewards.
A long road has been trodden to reach this state of mind.
Journey.
Much has been learnt. Experienced.
Hurt.
But the greatest lessons are the ones that burn the soul. Scald the mind.
Imprint.
Of all the souls that have touched me. Few leave a lasting impression.
I am ashamed to state that I am one of those insignificant Toms that only start to appreciate those that have already left. Only see the value when the being has gone. Only see the purpose when the meaning has gone.
When they have already been taken away by time. By life. By death. For eternity.
Time and time again. I need to tell myself often.
Take care.
Not for oneself. Not for others. But for everything you do. And for everything you think you do.
You will never know when opportunity is robbed.
When time is stolen.
When the mind is broken.
But by then it is all but too late.
Dear Hikari,
It's been a year.
I wish you a safe journey, even though you might have completed all there is to be traversed. The humble soul below here knows nothing of your joys or sorrows. Your happiness nor your despair. It shouldn't bother him any more. But unfortunately his curiosity befalls him. And it hurts.
Of the things you have done in this realm, no form of gratitude can repay the surmounting debt. No form of reward can compensate the generous enlightenment. For the saying goes, and eye for and eye; a tooth for a tooth. I life this sinneth life as I may, carrying this debt; a flag that shouts out my misgivings, my debt to you.
Difficult it may look. Painful it may be. But that is the life that I choose, and the life that I shall live by. The dimension where I mourn you eternally, to remind me of my imperfection. That I am but a mortal living in the realm of time. The dimension where I miss you. And remember I will. As much as I am able.
Thank you for accompanying me while you were here. Your assistance is much treasured.
A thousand wishes could not grant me what I would like from you. But then again, none has been bestowed upon this wretched soul. Undeserving.
I can't come to see you this year. And neither do I wish for you to trouble yourself to see me.
But I do hope. And hope is all that I can possibly offer.
Hope, that you are well.
Goodbye sunshine. The moon raised.
The cat bathes in its smile. Its gloom derived.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Of twelve.
It has been a long year.
It started off as a regular 366 days. Something I wasn't alien about.
What that started as a period of time that would pass uneventfully has proven me wrong yet again.
Very wrong.
Looking back, its easy to see all the hurdles that I have managed to climb.The hills I have scaled, the pits I have emerged from.
To say the least, 2012 has been pretty turbulent.
Then this year will go down the tubes as a tough one right?
Its not that simple. You should know that.
Reflecting back I have regrets within me that I may never be able to repair.
Of times that I did not give my best, didn't try hard enough, didn't do what I was told.
Didn't push the boundaries enough, pushed it too hard;
Played too safely, didn't play hard enough.
Took too many risks, never leapt high enough.
Didn't take the time to do/say something, said too much.
Of the people I did not thank enough, thank you for whatever you have done. I realise it might be a little too late, but time has passed, and sometimes I am imperfect.
Of the people that I did not have the opportunity to say goodbye, I wish you the best of your journey. May what befalls you be of the better kind. I might not have been there to see you go, but rest assured that I will remember you always.
Of the people that I have inadvertently/purposely insulted/angered/hurt, I offer my sincerest apologies. I am but an imperfect soul. I will have to deal with my evils sooner or later, and they will probably hurt me more than I have hurt you. Sometimes I may go over the limit. I admit that I may be brash quite often, but most of it comes without any evil intent or permanent grudges of that sort. I hope you may forgive me. I don't expect it to happen, and I don't blame you. But at least know that I am sorry.
Of the people that I have unfortunately let go and lose touch, I still do remember you. I am getting old, but that is not the excuse. Times have not been kind to me, and I have let myself be overwhelmed by my personal faults and disabilities. If time and fate permits, we shall meet again. But until then, have a safe journey.Of the people that have sacrificed their resources, time and energy to aid me in whatever endeavour that I attempted in, I thank you for your dedication. I may never get the chance to repay the debt, not return the kindness, but at least let me know when you need me. I will try my best to help.Of the people that I have tried to help, but failed miserably in small or large portions, I hope you don't hold anything against me. I meant well. I hope you succeed in whatever you may intend to do for now and in the future.
Of the generalities that I have swept over, and for the lack of specification, I offer some personal messages:
I shall start off with my late uncle.You have always been a joyous figure. One with energy and strength. You always brought a bright shade of colour whenever you were around. Probably its my fault for failing to notice early on. To say that you passing has not affected me would be a complete lie. New year's will not be the same without you around.I hope you are doing well. Please don't worry too much. We will miss you. But I believe we all hope that you may move on with whatever adventure you are embarking on now. Until we meet, rest assured that we will uphold your name with high regard. Rest in peace. Amitābha~
Dear grandmother.
I have always been incapable of thanking you enough. I regret taking things for granted all the time. I regret taking people for granted all the time. For all my life, I have never got the chance to fully appreciate your presence as well as that of my late grandfather. I might have a few silvers of memory for yeh-yeh, but I believe he was an honourable man. I offer my sincerest apologies for any misbehaviour that I have done to you and those around you. I hope you are doing well. May you rest in peace and depart as a free soul, unbound by the chains of time and suffering. Amitābha~
Dear aunt.
Ee has always been an important member of the family. I realise that your passing has greatly affected many people including my mother. I just wished I could do more for you while you were here. Its one of the many mistakes that I have made in my life. May your future journey be a smooth one. I will promise to try and help your children, my cousins, as much as I can. It is the most I can do at the moment. Rest well. Amitābha~
To Wern Yen.Your passing had a deep impact on me. It just came too soon. I offer my greatest apologies to you. For all the times you were there to comfort me, for all the effort you took to understand me, and for all the time, money and energy used to care for this little insignificant selfish soul, there is no repayment that would match up to all you have done. I wished I had spent more time with you when I had the chance. But no. This lazy, unappreciative, hopeless idiot chose to procrastinate. And he paid the price for it. The secrets that we shared shall be engraved in my heart. I will always hold you very dearly in my life from now on always. There has never been a friend that meant so much to me, and yet you became more than that. I may have lost all the messages, and probably misplaced some photographs, but I will always remember your voice. Your presence has always been comforting. Please take care. As we have always stressed and agreed, we are not worthy of each other; both says the other deserves better. And probably all we deserved was each other.I will miss you. I hope not. But I will. Rest in eternal peace. Amitābha~
To my loving parents.I realise you have sacrificed a great deal. I know this year was as hard to you as it was for me, if not harder. We each lost a dear member of our lives, and the challenges we faced are great and monumental. I always hold both of you in great respect. You never seem to complain about how evil life is and how unfair it is to any of you. I will always cherish your loving kindness. I may not know how to fully appreciate your efforts yet, and I may never ever know, but in my heart I will always love the both of you. Nothing will ever change that.
To my brother.I am sorry for being selfish. I am sorry that I have always been a selfish brother. Do what you must, I will understand. But I wish you the best in whatever you do from now on. Life awaits you and your limitless potential.
To my friends.I may be a douche and a brat. A rebel and a risk-taker. A selfish craphead and a scary dictator. A lousy housemate, a reckless taxi driver, and a slow project mate. Please accept apologies for my imperfection. Help me be a better person in 13. I promise I will try and listen. If I don't, smack me in the head. I may as well deserve it.PK, I apologise for being a complete bastard. I also apologise for not being open minded enough. SP, I apologise for calling you an unloyal creep. MQ I apologise for insulting you countless times, I still hope we can travel together. SY, I am sorry for the countless times I have caused you trouble and heartache. I sincerely regret most of them. BW, I apologise for calling you names too. I do hope the next semester will do you good. KUS, I apologise for the rift dividing us, for that is my doing. Distance does make the heart grow fonder. Z, I apologise for the countless times I have made a fool out of you. I hope you do improve yourself though. Garlic, I apologise for leaking some of the secrets you made me promise to keep. I will defend this biggest secret with my life though.
Dear rabbit.This few months have been awesome. I hope it does last though. But I have faint belief that as with the above, you may actually deserve more than me. We may disagree upon many things, and we are both almost equally stubborn in each of our own way. But in all the quarrels that we may have had, I will never blame you entirely. I am sorry for being an idiot. Promise me we shall never ever be less than great friends. No limits above that. Thank you very much for lighting up my life when I needed it most. This fourth serving of ice cream has been sweet indeed. Albeit a little too pink.
But I am still thankful.
Thankful that I have survived this far.Thankful that I have a roof above my head, clothes on my back, and a family around the corner.Thankful for all the great friends I have around me.Thankful for all the possibilities that life has presented to me.Thankful for the opportunities that my parents have given to me.Thankful for my well being, and that of most of my peers.Thankful for the great things that have happened.Thankful that the bad things that happened has not broken me.
As such I shall forgive everything and everyone that has done anything unto me, both intentionally and not, which includes the dude that took my car. Something I am immensely thankful to get back in one piece. Which I have to partly thank the police force too for their efforts and efficiency. Thanks!
To everyone out there reading this or not, I wish you the best of luck in your resolutions, hopes and dreams.Never lose hope no matter what you are doing. May good things come to you. No matter who you are, what you are doing, and however you have managed to reach this enclave of submission.
Looking back. 2012 has been an eventful year.
In chronological order, if I may remember:A long break, a lot learnt; a great trip with a friend and two teachers, an amazing experience; an interesting start to the semester, a diverse mix of lecturers; the passing of three noble souls; a relatively smooth semester, a fulfilling break; a smooth transition between semesters; a start of a new chapter; the passing of yet another light; the indentation of mobility; a new experience in life; an unexpected recurrence of immobility, and the eventual return; a magical day with a special date and time, and the ending of a massive year.
Time flies. People change.
What's next?
People say only time will tell. But it is for us to decide what path we choose.
May yours be the best you wanted.
01001101 01100001 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 01100011 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100001
It started off as a regular 366 days. Something I wasn't alien about.
What that started as a period of time that would pass uneventfully has proven me wrong yet again.
Very wrong.
Looking back, its easy to see all the hurdles that I have managed to climb.The hills I have scaled, the pits I have emerged from.
To say the least, 2012 has been pretty turbulent.
Then this year will go down the tubes as a tough one right?
Its not that simple. You should know that.
Reflecting back I have regrets within me that I may never be able to repair.
Of times that I did not give my best, didn't try hard enough, didn't do what I was told.
Didn't push the boundaries enough, pushed it too hard;
Played too safely, didn't play hard enough.
Took too many risks, never leapt high enough.
Didn't take the time to do/say something, said too much.
Of the people I did not thank enough, thank you for whatever you have done. I realise it might be a little too late, but time has passed, and sometimes I am imperfect.
Of the people that I did not have the opportunity to say goodbye, I wish you the best of your journey. May what befalls you be of the better kind. I might not have been there to see you go, but rest assured that I will remember you always.
Of the people that I have inadvertently/purposely insulted/angered/hurt, I offer my sincerest apologies. I am but an imperfect soul. I will have to deal with my evils sooner or later, and they will probably hurt me more than I have hurt you. Sometimes I may go over the limit. I admit that I may be brash quite often, but most of it comes without any evil intent or permanent grudges of that sort. I hope you may forgive me. I don't expect it to happen, and I don't blame you. But at least know that I am sorry.
Of the people that I have unfortunately let go and lose touch, I still do remember you. I am getting old, but that is not the excuse. Times have not been kind to me, and I have let myself be overwhelmed by my personal faults and disabilities. If time and fate permits, we shall meet again. But until then, have a safe journey.Of the people that have sacrificed their resources, time and energy to aid me in whatever endeavour that I attempted in, I thank you for your dedication. I may never get the chance to repay the debt, not return the kindness, but at least let me know when you need me. I will try my best to help.Of the people that I have tried to help, but failed miserably in small or large portions, I hope you don't hold anything against me. I meant well. I hope you succeed in whatever you may intend to do for now and in the future.
Of the generalities that I have swept over, and for the lack of specification, I offer some personal messages:
I shall start off with my late uncle.You have always been a joyous figure. One with energy and strength. You always brought a bright shade of colour whenever you were around. Probably its my fault for failing to notice early on. To say that you passing has not affected me would be a complete lie. New year's will not be the same without you around.I hope you are doing well. Please don't worry too much. We will miss you. But I believe we all hope that you may move on with whatever adventure you are embarking on now. Until we meet, rest assured that we will uphold your name with high regard. Rest in peace. Amitābha~
Dear grandmother.
I have always been incapable of thanking you enough. I regret taking things for granted all the time. I regret taking people for granted all the time. For all my life, I have never got the chance to fully appreciate your presence as well as that of my late grandfather. I might have a few silvers of memory for yeh-yeh, but I believe he was an honourable man. I offer my sincerest apologies for any misbehaviour that I have done to you and those around you. I hope you are doing well. May you rest in peace and depart as a free soul, unbound by the chains of time and suffering. Amitābha~
Dear aunt.
Ee has always been an important member of the family. I realise that your passing has greatly affected many people including my mother. I just wished I could do more for you while you were here. Its one of the many mistakes that I have made in my life. May your future journey be a smooth one. I will promise to try and help your children, my cousins, as much as I can. It is the most I can do at the moment. Rest well. Amitābha~
To Wern Yen.Your passing had a deep impact on me. It just came too soon. I offer my greatest apologies to you. For all the times you were there to comfort me, for all the effort you took to understand me, and for all the time, money and energy used to care for this little insignificant selfish soul, there is no repayment that would match up to all you have done. I wished I had spent more time with you when I had the chance. But no. This lazy, unappreciative, hopeless idiot chose to procrastinate. And he paid the price for it. The secrets that we shared shall be engraved in my heart. I will always hold you very dearly in my life from now on always. There has never been a friend that meant so much to me, and yet you became more than that. I may have lost all the messages, and probably misplaced some photographs, but I will always remember your voice. Your presence has always been comforting. Please take care. As we have always stressed and agreed, we are not worthy of each other; both says the other deserves better. And probably all we deserved was each other.I will miss you. I hope not. But I will. Rest in eternal peace. Amitābha~
To my loving parents.I realise you have sacrificed a great deal. I know this year was as hard to you as it was for me, if not harder. We each lost a dear member of our lives, and the challenges we faced are great and monumental. I always hold both of you in great respect. You never seem to complain about how evil life is and how unfair it is to any of you. I will always cherish your loving kindness. I may not know how to fully appreciate your efforts yet, and I may never ever know, but in my heart I will always love the both of you. Nothing will ever change that.
To my brother.I am sorry for being selfish. I am sorry that I have always been a selfish brother. Do what you must, I will understand. But I wish you the best in whatever you do from now on. Life awaits you and your limitless potential.
To my friends.I may be a douche and a brat. A rebel and a risk-taker. A selfish craphead and a scary dictator. A lousy housemate, a reckless taxi driver, and a slow project mate. Please accept apologies for my imperfection. Help me be a better person in 13. I promise I will try and listen. If I don't, smack me in the head. I may as well deserve it.PK, I apologise for being a complete bastard. I also apologise for not being open minded enough. SP, I apologise for calling you an unloyal creep. MQ I apologise for insulting you countless times, I still hope we can travel together. SY, I am sorry for the countless times I have caused you trouble and heartache. I sincerely regret most of them. BW, I apologise for calling you names too. I do hope the next semester will do you good. KUS, I apologise for the rift dividing us, for that is my doing. Distance does make the heart grow fonder. Z, I apologise for the countless times I have made a fool out of you. I hope you do improve yourself though. Garlic, I apologise for leaking some of the secrets you made me promise to keep. I will defend this biggest secret with my life though.
Dear rabbit.This few months have been awesome. I hope it does last though. But I have faint belief that as with the above, you may actually deserve more than me. We may disagree upon many things, and we are both almost equally stubborn in each of our own way. But in all the quarrels that we may have had, I will never blame you entirely. I am sorry for being an idiot. Promise me we shall never ever be less than great friends. No limits above that. Thank you very much for lighting up my life when I needed it most. This fourth serving of ice cream has been sweet indeed. Albeit a little too pink.
But I am still thankful.
Thankful that I have survived this far.Thankful that I have a roof above my head, clothes on my back, and a family around the corner.Thankful for all the great friends I have around me.Thankful for all the possibilities that life has presented to me.Thankful for the opportunities that my parents have given to me.Thankful for my well being, and that of most of my peers.Thankful for the great things that have happened.Thankful that the bad things that happened has not broken me.
As such I shall forgive everything and everyone that has done anything unto me, both intentionally and not, which includes the dude that took my car. Something I am immensely thankful to get back in one piece. Which I have to partly thank the police force too for their efforts and efficiency. Thanks!
To everyone out there reading this or not, I wish you the best of luck in your resolutions, hopes and dreams.Never lose hope no matter what you are doing. May good things come to you. No matter who you are, what you are doing, and however you have managed to reach this enclave of submission.
Looking back. 2012 has been an eventful year.
In chronological order, if I may remember:A long break, a lot learnt; a great trip with a friend and two teachers, an amazing experience; an interesting start to the semester, a diverse mix of lecturers; the passing of three noble souls; a relatively smooth semester, a fulfilling break; a smooth transition between semesters; a start of a new chapter; the passing of yet another light; the indentation of mobility; a new experience in life; an unexpected recurrence of immobility, and the eventual return; a magical day with a special date and time, and the ending of a massive year.
Time flies. People change.
What's next?
People say only time will tell. But it is for us to decide what path we choose.
May yours be the best you wanted.
01001101 01100001 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 01100011 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100001
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Of an empty feeling.
Its been a wretched semester.
The winds have decided my time has come.
And take mine it did. And more of it has gone.
On Wednesday my car has gone. Disappeared.
Left me for a destination I shall never know.
Among a long list of unfortunates. A long year of distress.
I wonder when will it end.
The winds have decided my time has come.
And take mine it did. And more of it has gone.
On Wednesday my car has gone. Disappeared.
Left me for a destination I shall never know.
Among a long list of unfortunates. A long year of distress.
I wonder when will it end.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Cleaning the dusty room
Hi.
Its been a while. You don't say.
Its past six months. Yes I do realize I missed yet another appointment. And Yes, I am disappointed in myself.
I still remember your voice. The presence of you when I fear life. When I fear failure.
I still remember your face. The times you were there when I was not.
I miss your laugh. I really do.
Rest in peace. You should move on. I should move on.
But moving on is hard when you feel the guilt of letting your past go.
Guilt of not having the guts to say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Guilt of not having the guts to fulfill the promise, and promise the fulfilled.
I ask you permission, to let you go. To let you fly free. To let the past be the past.
To release you from my heart. And to release my heart from your shadow.
I will keep just a frame of you, and all the things you have taught me.
For for a while, you were but my lantern in the woods, a raft in the seas.
And you have shown me that I need to be strong. I need to be me.
And that I never got an opportunity to thank you enough.
Time has passed. In one way or another.
The season has changed. And spring has to be let in yet again.
When the rain came, the umbrella went up. Now that the clouds has cleared, it must come down again.
If you don't decide to do something today, tomorrow will be the same thing again.
Back to reality.
The tenth of the tenth of the twelfth.
Remember this date as if you lost something you never forgot.
My fourth serving of dessert has arrived.
Not that I ordered dessert. But this one walked into my life. Seriously.
I can't say that I am complaining. I ain't a liar. Not that I want to be.
It just so occurred to someone that a good outcome could come out of this. And I am thankful.
I am a blessed soul, for my newest scoop of sundae shall be that of a reminder.
A reminder that I can function not as a whole, but also as a half.
A reminder that things should not be forced, and that when it fits, it fits.
A reminder that you can change your perceptions of things when things happen.
A reminder that a full person has an additional reason to fight for his life.
A reminder that I can be truly happy again.
But you have to take care.
Thou shalt not ignore this bowl of ice cream, lest the ice cream melts.
Thou shalt not belittle this bowl of ice cream, lest the cream become sour.
Thou shalt not take advantage of this ice cream, lest thy respect tainted thee.
Thou shalt make the most of this ice cream, lest it be wasted.
Thou shalt make the best out of this ice cream, as it be rare to receive such.
Thou shalt be honest with this bowl of ice cream, lest it be a lie.
Thou shalt be thankful of this bowl of ice cream, lest the ice finishes.
Thou shalt be caring of this bowl of ice cream, lest it feel less than it should.
Thou shalt teach this bowl of ice cream, lest a departure beckons and a footprint not exist.
Thou needs to make sure that ice cream is taken care of, with the best efforts of thee.
Thou needs to make sure that the interests of ice cream is preserved, even at the cost of the interests of thee.
Thou needs to make sure that ice cream is happy, for that is the reason ice cream has been served.
Thou needs to make sure that ice cream is treated as if it were to be the last serving you shall ever receive.
And lastly, no two scoops of ice cream at a time, lest the cone splinters and thee is left with none.
Be thankful. Yes. And be glad.
Enough about myself. More onto people around me.
A late relative has left for the sunset nirvana. May her soul be blessed and her spirit taken care of.
You have been an inspirational part of my life. I will do my part to help those that are still in this consciousness, and to ensure that you may leave at ease, if it is the least I can do.
I should thank my family for being strong and supportive for me and each other until now. Such is the dynamics of a family that loves each other. I apologize for not being in proximity for the majority of the year. My selfishness of an educational pursuit has deprived you of finances and the presence of a son. I know you won't blame me and such, but I shall state here that I really do want to be home, as much as I sometimes deny it verbally like I do.
To my friends, thank you for being an inspiration, and as a partner through time. You lot here has been very life changing to say the least.
I may complain, and shit about life. But if time is given for this shell to bloom, the flowers of the soul shall be as dear as you seek it to be. I lie to myself very often.
My only defense is that the heart is untouched. Scarred it may be, but not tainted by my inadequate mind.
Life beckons me to continue. And I shall heed the call.
See you again, dusty dorm. Another day in my harrowed life of a soul.
00110001 00110000 00101101 00110001 00110000 00101101 00110010 00110000 00110001 00110010 00101110
Its been a while. You don't say.
Its past six months. Yes I do realize I missed yet another appointment. And Yes, I am disappointed in myself.
I still remember your voice. The presence of you when I fear life. When I fear failure.
I still remember your face. The times you were there when I was not.
I miss your laugh. I really do.
Rest in peace. You should move on. I should move on.
But moving on is hard when you feel the guilt of letting your past go.
Guilt of not having the guts to say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Guilt of not having the guts to fulfill the promise, and promise the fulfilled.
I ask you permission, to let you go. To let you fly free. To let the past be the past.
To release you from my heart. And to release my heart from your shadow.
I will keep just a frame of you, and all the things you have taught me.
For for a while, you were but my lantern in the woods, a raft in the seas.
And you have shown me that I need to be strong. I need to be me.
And that I never got an opportunity to thank you enough.
Time has passed. In one way or another.
The season has changed. And spring has to be let in yet again.
When the rain came, the umbrella went up. Now that the clouds has cleared, it must come down again.
If you don't decide to do something today, tomorrow will be the same thing again.
Back to reality.
The tenth of the tenth of the twelfth.
Remember this date as if you lost something you never forgot.
My fourth serving of dessert has arrived.
Not that I ordered dessert. But this one walked into my life. Seriously.
I can't say that I am complaining. I ain't a liar. Not that I want to be.
It just so occurred to someone that a good outcome could come out of this. And I am thankful.
I am a blessed soul, for my newest scoop of sundae shall be that of a reminder.
A reminder that I can function not as a whole, but also as a half.
A reminder that things should not be forced, and that when it fits, it fits.
A reminder that you can change your perceptions of things when things happen.
A reminder that a full person has an additional reason to fight for his life.
A reminder that I can be truly happy again.
But you have to take care.
Thou shalt not ignore this bowl of ice cream, lest the ice cream melts.
Thou shalt not belittle this bowl of ice cream, lest the cream become sour.
Thou shalt not take advantage of this ice cream, lest thy respect tainted thee.
Thou shalt make the most of this ice cream, lest it be wasted.
Thou shalt make the best out of this ice cream, as it be rare to receive such.
Thou shalt be honest with this bowl of ice cream, lest it be a lie.
Thou shalt be thankful of this bowl of ice cream, lest the ice finishes.
Thou shalt be caring of this bowl of ice cream, lest it feel less than it should.
Thou shalt teach this bowl of ice cream, lest a departure beckons and a footprint not exist.
Thou needs to make sure that ice cream is taken care of, with the best efforts of thee.
Thou needs to make sure that the interests of ice cream is preserved, even at the cost of the interests of thee.
Thou needs to make sure that ice cream is happy, for that is the reason ice cream has been served.
Thou needs to make sure that ice cream is treated as if it were to be the last serving you shall ever receive.
And lastly, no two scoops of ice cream at a time, lest the cone splinters and thee is left with none.
Be thankful. Yes. And be glad.
Enough about myself. More onto people around me.
A late relative has left for the sunset nirvana. May her soul be blessed and her spirit taken care of.
You have been an inspirational part of my life. I will do my part to help those that are still in this consciousness, and to ensure that you may leave at ease, if it is the least I can do.
I should thank my family for being strong and supportive for me and each other until now. Such is the dynamics of a family that loves each other. I apologize for not being in proximity for the majority of the year. My selfishness of an educational pursuit has deprived you of finances and the presence of a son. I know you won't blame me and such, but I shall state here that I really do want to be home, as much as I sometimes deny it verbally like I do.
To my friends, thank you for being an inspiration, and as a partner through time. You lot here has been very life changing to say the least.
I may complain, and shit about life. But if time is given for this shell to bloom, the flowers of the soul shall be as dear as you seek it to be. I lie to myself very often.
My only defense is that the heart is untouched. Scarred it may be, but not tainted by my inadequate mind.
Life beckons me to continue. And I shall heed the call.
See you again, dusty dorm. Another day in my harrowed life of a soul.
00110001 00110000 00101101 00110001 00110000 00101101 00110010 00110000 00110001 00110010 00101110
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