Unthankful Bastard

Some people are given the best opportunities. Others do not.
Then some just somehow manage to screw it up completely.
Those undeserving little bastards. They never should have been given that privilege.

I admit I am one of them.

I hate myself.

Especially after today.

I have realised, through my great and awesome group of friends, that my soul has been blessed with a lot of good fortune. Some of which today I realise I never should deserve.
For my sake. And for hers.

Time and time again I have to reassure myself: did I do the right thing. Am I doing the right thing.
The fact that I need reassuring also means that I am not confident with myself.
It hurts. And I also believe it will hurt other innocent people.
But I must persevere.

It has been my decision to continue this relationship. Even though the blatant rejection at the convenient moment has allowed me to use the exit clause with ease and proficiency.
But I did not take it.
Regret? Probably not. But then again, a nagging thought has lingered since.
I could. And would it have been better? I would never find out.
Life could have been better, but it could also have been far worse. So I decided against the risk.
I created a new agreement. On balanced terms that I probably failed to explain properly.
And since the new one is based on my words, I shall have to undertake responsibility of withholding it till the end.
Even when it begins to take a toll on my soul. My heart. And my life.
But it is my responsibility.

I realise that in this world, many individuals who have decided to take the short path has left a trail of undesirable effects on the perception of relationships. As a guy, I am quite greatly affected.
I believe this is my chance to prove that not all guys give up that easily. Not all guys are like that.
Some guys can and will sacrifice to preserve a positive relationship even when the walls start to crumble.
Even when there are no benefits left to savour.
Even when there is nothing left to enjoy.
We are not that thin. We can be more than that.
Plus, there is much that she can learn from me.
If it is the last thing I do for her before she leaves me or otherwise, I will ensure that she gains a realisation of her individuality and a backbone for society.
She needs to understand that if she cannot stand on her own, she may never hope to stand as tall as the guy she likes, or with the society she admires.
If she keeps putting herself down, don't expect others to look up onto you.
And the most important thing; that you should never feel guilty about being happy.
It's a tough job. But a job that I must do. As impossible as it may seem.

I have learnt that intelligence is one thing. Resolution and purpose is a whole another.
Before this I was probably looking for the former. Now I realise I prefer the latter.
Unfortunately, when I chose her, I left her friend.
I couldn't tell the difference. But now I realise what a fool I had been.
Now when a dear friend enlightened me to the current state of this nation, I have realised what I am missing out on.
But I shall not regret. I shall not object.
He has seen the truth, the truth that I missed out on.
I wish him the best of luck. And hope that they shall be happy.

Oh how I wish I could turn back time. Before the hour that determined the actress of the movie.
It was a difference of an hour. Nothing more. Nothing less.
But it was that fateful movie that led to the pain that I shall now bear till the end of time.
If only it was the other one.

Would things be the same. Would it be any different.

Such an unthankful bastard I am.

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